book of the mercy

i will have faith in my Lord and i will trust that whatever is set for me is what he sees best, even if i dont understand it now. 

i will have faith in my Lord that whatever i do, i will give whatever i can for it, and that i will not lose hope, as much as i will never lose hope in Him. 

i have faith in my Lord, and i trust that whatever obstacles or bounties, good or bad people, and the people that i especially love, are here to teach me something about life and my faith in You. please God, the one person i need in my life is given to me by you, and I trust that you place our paths together to bring out the best in each other. please let this work out, both my life, and ours. 

book of the parallel

we are worlds apart

there is food in the kitchen, snacks on the table, and actual house to go home 

to, a loving mom who kisses you on the nose and tells you how anyone is lucky to have you. 

a father that puts your needs and wants right before you as you ask them. no other family or cousins that you mention that you feel like they are messed up, or ruin what makes everything seem perfect. 

and we are worlds apart. 

i avoid home a much as i possibly can. working and occupying myself with being anywhere else but home. i get fairly surprised when i come home to dinner. a timed dinner with everyone gathered by the table is rare.

i always feel like an unecessary ornament. sometimes it hurts to see how she's working so hard to give us this life. i see debates showing up in platforms about how parents should never mention financial strains to their children in fear that they can feel less worthy or that their lives was a mistake made. 

it hurts. she has no trouble in expressing where we are economically. it hurts. she had to pick herself up with her own two feet as soon as the only source of support left. it hurts. she had to toughen up no matter how hard it was.

it hurts.

we are worlds apart. 

our souls are fragile. i dont want to lose you

book of the revise

i could follow you to the beggining

just to relive the start

and maybe then we'll remember to slow down

at all of our favourite parts

all i wanted was you, 

all i wanted was you, 

-

"I still remember every part of it, I dont forget all of these things, ever"

"I still remember back then even when youre tired from working 9-5 and travelling halfway across the island for your job you still could have all of the energy to come meet me, even for a few   hours. You would send me back to my place, even, and as we wait for your bus home, drowning and getting lost in our conversations and each other. 

You would look at your bus approaching and say to me "i'll just wait for the next one" because that was how much you wanted to spend time with me"

how things change, but it still feels the same"

he laughed to himself, and then stayed silent for the longest time. i sat there worrying to myself if saying all those things would hurt him. i had no complains to the current we have now, because i still feel the same way just like as if it was exactly a year ago - exhilirating, yet warm to have found a feeling you never thought you'd get to experience anytime too soon.

but reminicscing the times when we were new felt like the place i would want to visit again. 

"i still love you, and i will still do the same things"

he whispered, finally breaking the long silence. he pulled me closer and leaned his head against my shoulders.

"i will still let three buses pass, i will still send you home, i will still see you even when im exhausted" 

he said so quietly, almost mumbling to himself.

"please dont tell me that. i dont want to know it, there is nothing that i want more than you doing things just because you want to do it - not because you feel obligated to your girlfriend, or because im demanding for more of your attention"

- 

it's silly sometimes how much of an open book i am. it pains me to the core how I can't mask the things im going through. 

a lot going on this week. it burns me out to feel like i dont have a place anywhere. it makes me feel so done to think i have to work extra harder than anyone here to prove my place. 

i dont know, i dont need to prove my point or anything but i have this grudging feeling to look for some sort of apporval. from whom, i dont know 

"do you know why i was quiet the entire time? i thought that if I can't talk about what im going through without you questioning why i didnt stood up for myself, i know for one, that by just quietly being by your side at least, can take the pain away. 

"you're all that i have, and it sounds so cliché and stupid. being by your side is already enough" 

today was rough towards the end because i feel so done with everything and everyone like whatever the fuck happened to the people who said they got my back or promised to comfort me when im at my worst. right now it almost feels like im all alone in this world (although i know my problems arent at all exceptionally special in this fucking planet) but i dont feel heard, or when i try to talk i dont feel valid, like i have this fucking void inside of me nothing can fill. 

this is so stupid its so fucking stupid i want to smash some shit. 

i feel like my body has grown weary, i feel like im troubling everyone, i feel exhausted, i feel like as if my mind just gave up.

will this pass? 

book of the unsettled soul

sometimes it hurts my head so much to think that i am in love with, and i am loved by a man who wouldn't even hesitate to do anything just to make me happy. 

damn, it makes me so emotional every time i think about it. im sorry for the times I've been so selfish, even if it's only in my head - when you are a person who's willing to work the hardest just to spoil me. 

sometimes it hurts my head so much to think that i am so blessed, it's almost impossible to grasp, like i have done something right to deserve such a person.

heck, i could feel my tears welling. im sorry for the times when i make you feel like as if i am the person in this relationship that's constantly in chase, or like as if you deserve less than the 100% that i give, when you, in fact give insurmountable in us. 

i am in love with you, Hafiz, I really am. and right now you are all that i need.

book of the dull

and you are the colour in my life 

book of the time capsule

Dear

two years felt like a really long time back then. but you're finally out of school for now. you and i both know that we've been anxious since day one about this time of our life. there is this uncertainty that makes me so afraid. 

two years didnt feel like a really long time when it's spent well. but right now two months feels like a long time because of there is this fear of the unknown. I really hope I'll be able to enroll into the school that i want to get into next year.

reading the previous letter felt nostalgic, different. i felt like i was reading a letter from someone else. it's almost so amazing how such a short amount of time can help you grow. 

but to clear your doubts, most of the things i had hoped for have been achieved, and i hope you are proud. the year almost feels like a blur, but yet so clear because of the things that happened. good or bad, they helped. 

but some days i feel like i was doing a good job at trying my best, but other days i felt like as if I didn't try hard enough, and things can definitely be better in these hands. it's almost too overwhelming that I can't put the things that have happend to words.

i know some i did well, and i have to say im pretty proud of because we both know we worked our asses off for it. it is nice to leave the school and the team with a certain impact because of our actions. i know for one that i was hands, and a backbone for what i see was something larger than i am - and i hope you can look back some day and still feel and immense relief, or maybe even an endearing feeling towards the people that have expressed gratitude for what you've done. it feels unreal to have a few that look up to you, it feels almost impossible to grasp that you have set a bar, or a new standard for the future young individuals.

but also some days, i felt like I don't deserve the rewards. sometimes I don't deserve to call myself the backbone because of the people who helped me through. sometimes i feel selfish. sometimes i feel like my hands are too small, and everyone else is as deserving of the things I've achived because they were also my backbone. sometimes it hurts because I can't help it - albeit the voice that i have, that it is inevitable that i am in a position to be selfish. it sounds ridiculous, i know. 

you almost slipped away as well. you almost lost motivation for eveything and started questioning the direction you're going towards. but sometimes i remind myself why i got there in the first place, and the things that i stand up for. sometimes i beg of the voices in my mind to stop telling myself that my hands are too small. 

I can't tell you right now if i have been consistent. part of me have been, because of those things i want badly, but part of me feels like I've not - when the thoughts of me thinking im not trying hard enough haunts me. 

but i do know one thing, that the choices and things we've done so far are what made us what we are now. there were no regrets, because despite all of the things we've done, stupid or not made us learn and grow. and i am thankful, for all of the people that helped me with it wether good or bad. and the people who stuck through to help me grow. 

yours sincerely, 

(December 2015)

 

-

Dear Amirah,

I hope those 2 years you spent in that school was worth every effort and time. At the very point you were writing this you just got past your lowest point so far in the year and I think things are slowly are looking up, but don't worry, currently I'm working very hard so by the time you're reading this, you're living a better life now, and you are able to bask in the rewards from all the hard work you've put in.

Also at this point of time you (or at least I) have decided I should at least try to write a letter to you (or me from the future) and by the time you are ready to read this I hope you're able to see how far you've come and I really really hope you are content and things are at least better over there.

I think I haven't vaguely set what I expect of myself this year yet, just that I do have it off the top off my head and I guess the least I could do is to just write it down. But anyways, I hope by the time you read this you can probably do at least 5 pull ups without assistance and maybe even get into the POL-ITE team by the end of your second year in school.

I know that the last time you went for trials in this year it didn't go too well and although you we'rent expecting much, I knew you (or at least I did) felt really disappointed by the end of it. I think it showed too much because I had a friend come up to me and bought me out for fresh air because he knew something was bothering me (although I shouldn't be) even though I tried, so hard, to look like nothing was wrong and not making into the team didn't mean much to me.

But aaaaaaaanyway I hope you're still climbing and I hope you still love it as much as I do now. I hope the days you feel as shitty as I have been feeling lately don't come as often when you're training and you feel physically incompetent and mentally drained. I hope by the time you're reading this those days don't come by that often, I really do.

Other than that I hope you're reading this and still feel an immense passion like I do in what you're pursuing and I hope that you're still focused on your goals. I hope you have excel very well and have been consistent in your studies and I hope by now you are able to taste the fruit you and I have worked so hard for.

Currently I'm trying, so hard to keep things consistent and I didn't thought this semester would be this hard, but I'm still trying very hard to keep at it. It's not easy, I swear, to live up to your lecturer's and peers' expectations with your studies, combined with work and climbing and trying to make yourself think this isn't stressful. But who am I to complain? I guess I chose this. But I guess all of this will eventually make you really desensitized and even mentally stronger.

Anyway I hope by the time you're reading this you really are, stronger mentally (and both physically hah) because you've come so far, and we've both worked hard, so hard, for this life and I hope you've made me, but ultimately mom, very proud.

Best wishes,

(September 2014)

book of the element

it feels like a blur, yet so clear - like being submerged in water. a glass door was all it takes but once in they all seem fuzzy. 

it feels very exhilarating, yet calming - just like the sea. i dont know where the current will take me, but it calms me for that moment of stillness.

it feels like as if i have no fear, yet i am still afraid - just like the depths of the oceans. i put faith that my soul can take whatever this has to offer, but yet, i shift my vulnerability to hands that can possibly drown me. 

i have faith, i have gained faith. and i love you. 

book of the ponder

do i need to have a reason to love you, or to do things for you out of selflessness? 

book of the saudade

remember yesterday you were watching anime while you rested your head against my lap? i stroked your hair, remembering how blissful it was and how at ease i feel, to have you here with me. i know i feel at ease despite where we are, as long as i could feel my heart calling you home. i looked at you, and yet my heart ached, so badly just by looking at you and thinking how precious you are, and how at that moment, i felt like as if i am not worthy of a person to be loved by you. it hurt, it hurts so badly, that i could feel my tears welling. i know for one that if i dont ever get to see you again, or can ever experience a moment like this ever again in my entire life - i know for sure i was content, and madly in love with you. i have my bliss. it is now. 

book of tear a p a r t

"i waited, for so long" i trembled 

something from inside of me ached. this was something ive never felt before. 

i saw it in your eyes

expecting an agressive remark, or question.

but instead all i saw was pain. and lost. 

you sounded small, so small, and it was like as if i was taking away something from you, something that you couldnt fight over for.

like death. and i was reaching in from the depths of your heart, pulling out everything that you confined neatly inside of you, to make you feel pain. 

it was not what i intended, but you still pulled me closer, and held me tighter. 

book of the float

i  constantly find myself being this person that hates being trouble to other people. sure some might find it a considerate trait but sometimes i think it gets in the way of firmly standing for what i want. 

i think i barely even change in that aspect since god knows when. some days i hate that about myself. i know i want something but i cant bring myself to say it to another. it always starts with "if it doesn't trouble you,"

it's not like im asking for more than this life can offer when i have adequate, but sometimes i think it can be nice to hear things like "ill pick you up from work" or "ill see you and i dont mind coming" without me trying to beg, prompt or hint.

it pains me how i cant be brutally honest without sounding clingy. it pains me for the fact that i still give so much shit about how much people think about me, even my boyfriend.

it pains me the most how i am this person who despite all of that - i still need someone to make me feel valid. 

it's like as if i cant see myself crawling out of the gutter for my own good. it's like as if im so dependent on people for contentment or happiness and it scares me so bad. 

i dont remember being like this back then. i was so happy floating around that i had a friend point it out. i want to feel needed as much as i need people. 

and yet somehow ive yet to feel that. 

when i go, the clock still ticks, the laughter still keeps on going, people still move on - because i am in fact just a speck of dust in this vast universe, although how valid my feelings and problems are, i am still not needed. im just, here.

book of the pray

i have a lot of hate in me

and yet everyday i pray, and hope

that all of you work yourselves into being a person that treats everyone nicely.

i've always been a believer of doing good things and good things will happen to you
or sometimes in a case where i think that maybe if i dont talk bad about other people, they wont do the same. but ive come to a realization that the world isnt kind.

and it will be okay

book of the chest

hello,

i almost feel like i'm at my breaking point. or maybe not. whenever i think about it my blood boils. i can't believe this, and i never expect such things would come from you. from what i see, i didn't even break your heart, but you did.

this is ridiculous. because i didn't think much of what we had, i even regretted it because all i felt was second best. and to think that you could do all of those things to me and not think of the consequences of those things.

we were done, but i still felt obligated to not go around telling people of what we were, that is, even if we were something. i wasn't the one to kiss and tell. because i know you have good in you, although what you did was not right.

i look back and is was nothing that i felt. i just needed comfort. but i still held back my words, because i'm not one to soil your name. or anyone's.

and yet all i hear is this.

i can't believe all of this. i talked to a lot of people about this. close friends, that is. and they all tell me that i can no longer be nice. "nice" wasn't the right word, but i bear all of this disappointment - all of this taint of name because i keep giving chances. fucking chances.

i always think that the first to forget, apologize or give in is always the better person. but i'm starting to think that i'm just this stupid and timid.
there is so much hate in me, there is so much regret in me for you. i'm sorry.

best regards,

book of the horizon

dear,

i know, i know i might not be the person right now. the person you want me to be, the person you expected me to be.

i can say that i am still young, but you can say that you are wasting my youth away when i can be so much more.

neither of those i gravitate towards. i just know for now i want to live in every moment i possibly can, because i am afraid one day i will wake up with a mortgage and bills to pay, grey hair and mouths to feed - and not remember any part of my life when i was actually alive.

i'm sorry, i really am. everyday there's this war in my head - i'm trying to be a better person, i'm trying to get myself closer to God, i'm trying to be a better child, i'm trying to be a better partner, i'm trying to be a better friend, i'm trying to be a better student.

i'm still trying to figure this out. some days i wake up and think if this is what i want. some days people ask me of my plans and i answer the ones i have set for myself but i ask myself again - is this what i want?
but some days i think that God has sent me here for a purpose, and my existence is this world is to just give a go at everything and try, and try, and try.

i've made so much mistakes. i fucked up a lot. sometimes i tell myself it's okay because it's only human to make mistakes. sometimes i tell myself none of this is okay because i keep doing the same ones over, and over again.

whatever, let's not talk about this right now. the other day, khai and dhiya took me out for nightfest. it was okay, but one part that made my night memorable was this performance/installation of poets. people order poems and we can enter a dark room where the poets were making the piece for people they've never met on the spot. in that room too were people - actors i might say, that ran the place. and it that place itself - of which we were watching the poets writing piece after piece, with many other people doing suit makes the whole chaos an installation in itself. it was beautiful. i have always liked those kinds of art - of which the audience becomes part of the art.

but it made me think of how everything that was consumed has evaporated into nothing, it's like as if nothing here has value anymore. not in the monetary sense, do you get what i mean? the man in the suit was saying how he will make franchises, factories of the same, and he mentioned of how production was the key of this whole system - and none of the poems actually have value. it's just created because of the demands of consumers.

of course - none of those were real, just an installation telling us a story of the worth of words these days. i hope mine don't evaporate into nothing, i hope.

thanks for reading this. it feels like a small weight got lifted off my shoulders. i don't know who to tell this to but i'm glad i shared this with you.

with best intentions,

book of the drown

"You know that I can't do this on my own"

You mouthed those words while we listened to the song. And now whenever I hear it my heart feels so heavy.

I can still remember every pixel of that memory looking at you as you mouth those words.

And I keep thinking

It's going to hurt so bad when you leave me.
But I only have now - and only now. And I am in love with you. I really am.

book of the pour

The paper rested on his hands, folded neatly. The header was written in bright ink - just like I always start my letters. This time I had wrecked my brains trying to find the right words to start off.

"You've got whatever it is.
You're perfect"

He started to rub his eyes with the palm of his hands just like he always does when he's tired, this time, just a little different.
I sat still, trying to digest the moment. I have never seen him so raw. This raw.

He held on to it and started walking, silently, while I followed closely behind and occasionally placing my hands across his shoulders, smiling. We sat under the shade not caring about everyone else walking by.

"Will this letter make me cry?"
"I doubt so, it's kind of lame"

It started off with a piece from one of my favourite books.

"I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was hurricane."

This, I felt like as if I was Pudge, and he was Alaska - with the rest of the letter consisting of how I feel like I was hopelessly boring, and he was endlessly fascinating.

He folded it back in place and looked at me differently, for the first time.

I could hear his voice shaking, as he choked out those words.

"I love you, so much"