Dear,
Im not entirely sure where to start. This is going to sound really stupid but I think I'm at the point of my life where I feel really lost, but I think this will all be over in a short while. Maybe I'm going through a phase, or maybe not.
I wouldn't say I've been so hard on myself these days, but I wouldn't say things have been hard on me either. It's just that only this recently a good friend of mine pointed out how much I bottle up inside, and I always try to look like I have it all together. See, we both know that it's not easy for me to open up, and I find that the easiest way out is to just keep it in.
We both also know that I live in this concept of which I don't like transferring my burdens to other people, which is precisely the reason I feel like I don't need to open up to anyone, ever.
But sometimes things just snap, and sometimes people just probe enough, or sometimes someone just know how to push me out of it. Trust me, we both know we don't like any of it one bit, and we just end up breaking down. I hate it. I hate it when it happens. It's almost pathetic to see myself so vulnerable because of how we worked so hard to build the walls around us.
And yet, someone just knows how to break it with the words they say.
I think this pain is what I deserve for being so cold to others. For being that person who doesn't want to give a shit about others. Who finds it tiring to listen to people. Who damn well knows that she isn't curious, at all, and doesn't bother. Maybe I really do deserve it, because for the most part, I hate listening and I usually space out when people try to confide in me. I swear, I'm never the person to be called a confidante.
And I live in this stupid little world that thinks that if I act the same, maybe the universe would give me the equal. That maybe if I don't confide in others, no one will, and I'll be okay. But I'm wrong on that part.
I'm working really hard to not be this person. But I somehow just can't.
They keep telling me that I should start opening up, be genuinely interested in other people's lives, know how they're doing, what they are, what they want to be. But don't know if I can be that person. Believe me, I tried. It gets really tiring after a while.
Maybe I'm not trying hard enough. Or maybe I don't have it figured out just yet. I really don't know how to be this person. I know you need to be the person that you want to be, but countless of times I get told the way I am isn't the right way.
Some will just say I shouldn't listen, and there's this voice in my head I shouldn't either. But then again, they keep telling me I need to put my happiness before others or anything else. And all I am is just torn between those two.
I hope when you read this again you've figured it out. Or maybe you don't and you're still the same, but please be the happier person than you used to be.
It's not good, I swear to be stuck in this place.
But read this again once you're out of it. And write back to me.
Best regards,
