Dear
I was so sure by the time December came around that I thought 2014 won't be so much of a good year for me. I'm sure you can tell from the amount posts I had written of me trying to desperately hold on and trying to see the light in everything.
I guess I just wasn't around the people that could lift my spirits up during the time I thought I was hitting rock bottom. Maybe I was, but I guess I didn't let myself around them too much because for so long I avoided opening up because I knew if I do, no one could care less, and also I had learnt that it was quite the chore to be listening to other's people's problems besides your own.
In 2014 was also where I learnt and promised myself to only give love only when I've learned to love myself and to love unconditionally. I guess I could say I've stuck to that.
I remember trying to tirelessly find reasons to love someone but I just couldn't make myself do so for the things that this person was doing/has done. I only liked the idea of us.
When they all asked, the only words I could muster was "I like him, for who he is, but not for what he's doing"
I'm sure you knew that the period of time made me question my self worth, it surely wasn't the easiest and it wasn't a good place to be in.
But I think I'm saved. Saved from that shitty mental state I was in. All I needed was time. Time to figure myself out. And I waited. Lived for all I care with all of that being at the back of my mind.
And you were there, all along. And I guess it just took a while. I guess all it took was the right moment. When I was least expecting it.
I remember on that day when I bet it took all of you to finally ask "so, what are we again?" and all I was was unbelievably speechless, and all I could gather was a "I'll talk to you tonight, alright?" And I swore it almost took everything of me to say those things I said to you that night.
Believe me, it was like as if I had to reach into my guts and clench whatever I had of me to try to think it through. Believe me, I tried, to think of the things that could pull me back from loving unconditionally.
And I found none.
I can't explain to you how it feels like to discover such a feeling. It's like as if you've secretly uncover a void that I wasn't aware of, and hid yourself in it until it was time for me to discover it.
It is discovering the ocean, after years of puddle-jumping.
You put things into perspective. And it's like I've discovered a realm I thought I will never uncover. This feeling, I swear, is unconditional.
Love,
