book of the gem

"literally?" John repeated with a heavy accent
"yes, literally. It means exactly"

"the opposite of literally is figuratively" I said as I wrote the words down on a blank piece of paper.
Edmund tilted his head down to see past his reading glasses and sounding surprised he said "You must be really good in English!"

I gave a wide grin, ecstatic that someone had realized the effort and time I had passionately invested behind books and listening podcasts. "Well I do like reading.." I said after a while.

"Well that's good! Any future boyfriend of yours must be really lucky to have you"

-

and i really do hope you find yourself lucky enough. because i do, i really do feel completely lucky to have such a gem to call mine.

book of the time capsule part 2

Dear Amirah,

There's only a few days left to 2014 and I guess I can say it isn't so bad after all. It's just that I needed to put things into perspective to see the bigger picture. I can say I'm pretty content with everything even if there are things that can go better. But still, I'm pretty content.

I guess I can start off by saying that trip up to KL with my teammates went way better than expected in every aspect of it. The climbing at Batu Caves was almost magical. But I think the best part about this trip is the company.

I hope when you're reading this, that you're still as happy as I am right now, and I hope you'll be able to look back and reminiscent about the time when you felt like you're in the clouds because of the boy that has made you felt everything, all at once. Seriously though, I have never felt like this for someone and I guess things are going well and that we're still trying to figure it out.

In case you forgot, I said I was willing to give it a go, even though for some reason both of us were completely afraid. I mean I can't really pinpoint what exactly is that I'm afraid of but in any case, this person just makes me the happiest and I think that's all that matters as of now. Also I did mention in our very long talk that if it doesn't work out I think I'll still be thankful for what he's made me feel so far. I then told him that I trust him, so many times because after all, this is really the first time I'm handing someone my heart like this.

Okay, enough of all this cheesyness. But anyway, just remember there are people that are just so happy to see me like this, and it just makes me so thankful for all the people in my life right now, especially Jolene. I remember the moment ms. Adina announced that I'll be team captain, she burst into tears and told me that she was so happy for me because of how she's seen me wanting it for so long. Also how Said couldn't stop telling me how he's smiling so widely to hear that I'm happy, even though he's 5 hours away right now

There's so many other things but I think I'll just stop it at here. Anyway I hope when you read this again you are still as content and remember that when things seem like they're falling apart just be reminded of all the things you can be thankful for. Cheers.

Best Regards,

book of the butterflies

you make me feel all sorts of butterflies. and yet at the same time whenever im in your embrace i feel

home

-----

aaanyway, i guess 2014 wont end on a bad note after all. 

It is inherent in characteristics of a child born last to not like being pushed around in settings other than the household. 

And I do know one thing. That I'm bossy as fuck.

Some days I've had enough of doing the same thing and get twice the shit. 

book of the second best

it is horrible
to know that you're a back up plan

it is horrible
to be second best

it is horrible
when you're just the person some turn to when in need of comfort
because they couldn't find what they were looking for in someone else. someone else more important.

it is horrible
to leave the day questioning your self worth

it is horrible
to be the second best.

do not mistake yourself for a guardian. or a muse. or a promise. or a victim, or a snack. you are a woman, skin and bones, veins and nerves, hair and sweat. you are not made of metaphors. not apologies. not excuses.

book of the i dont need you

being loved, is not the same thing as loving. 
when you fall in love it is discovering the ocean after years of puddle jumping.
it is realizing you have hands. 
it is reaching for the tightrope when the crowds have all gone home

do not spend time wondering if you are the type men will hurt - if he leaves you with a car alarm heart you have learned to sing along. 
it is hard
to strop loving the ocean
even after its left you 
gasping
salty

so forgive yourself for the decisions that you've made
the ones you still call mistakes when you tuck them in at night
and know this
that you are the type of woman 
who is searching for a place to call yours

let the statues crumble

you have always been the place.

----

it's been a rough, shitty week. please tell me how to not feel. 

book of the hello november

i dont know if it's today that i'm feeling this way but i just feel like giving up and letting go.
some days i don't know why i'm working this hard.
some days i wonder if it is worth every effort.
some days i feel like people think i'm still not working hard enough - and i'm starting to believe that myself.
some days i feel like i'm trying, trying really hard but i still feel like the running joke.

but most days i try to tell myself that this will all be worth it.

october was okay. i finally left my job. i finally get to see the flaws. i finally get to see a man taking a leap of faith in hopes of landing into a better place with better people after bearing with all the struggles.

but truth to be told i don't think november went off with a great start. i'd say it's not nice to feel really horrible when you're supposed to be happy because you feel like you don't deserve any of it. but i just hope that things just look up from here on.

i've had enough of bad days.

book of the suck it up

i dont know, maybe i have a problem opening up. if there's one thing i've learned from being other people's confidante it's that all i need to do is suck it up and get on with your life.

truth to be told i'm mostly frustrated because there are people around me asking for credits for what they have gone/is going through - and then take complete advantage of the sympathy given. i have taken in all that i am able to and not bother telling anyone how good or bad my day went because really - all i want to do is get by with my day.
i feel like telling anyone about what's bothering me or not is just irrelevant. i thought i'd never be able to say this but in all honesty, i'm tired of being everyone else's confidante when i myself just try the best i can to get on with my day by just. not. mulling over. what's done.

i guess i'm one to not look past what's happen and focus on what's ahead and i guess that should be a good trait to have, but i'm done with people telling me to just "let it all out".
i dont want to.
i just want to move ahead and not look back thinking about shit i should or should not have done, and i think it's not that hard. i think it takes a lot less effort to stop probing because i don't think im one to keep things to myself, just that i move on without looking back.

book of the this is stupid

don't get too close

i'm made for disappointment

book of the time capsule

Dear Amirah,

I hope those 2 years you spent in that school was worth every effort and time. At the very point you were writing this you just got past your lowest point so far in the year and I think things are slowly are looking up, but don't worry, currently I'm working very hard so by the time you're reading this, you're living a better life now, and you are able to bask in the rewards from all the hard work you've put in.

Also at this point of time you (or at least I) have decided I should at least try to write a letter to you (or me from the future) and by the time you are ready to read this I hope you're able to see how far you've come and I really really hope you are content and things are at least better over there.

I think I haven't vaguely set what I expect of myself this year yet, just that I do have it off the top off my head and I guess the least I could do is to just write it down. But anyways, I hope by the time you read this you can probably do at least 5 pull ups without assistance and maybe even get into the POL-ITE team by the end of your second year in school.

I know that the last time you went for trials in this year it didn't go too well and although you we'rent expecting much, I knew you (or at least I did) felt really disappointed by the end of it. I think it showed too much because I had a friend come up to me and bought me out for fresh air because he knew something was bothering me (although I shouldn't be) even though I tried, so hard, to look like nothing was wrong and not making into the team didn't mean much to me.

But aaaaaaaanyway I hope you're still climbing and I hope you still love it as much as I do now. I hope the days you feel as shitty as I have been feeling lately don't come as often when you're training and you feel physically incompetent and mentally drained. I hope by the time you're reading this those days don't come by that often, I really do.

Other than that I hope you're reading this and still feel an immense passion like I do in what you're pursuing and I hope that you're still focused on your goals. I hope you have excel very well and have been consistent in your studies and I hope by now you are able to taste the fruit you and I have worked so hard for.

Currently I'm trying, so hard to keep things consistent and I didn't thought this semester would be this hard, but I'm still trying very hard to keep at it. It's not easy, I swear, to live up to your lecturer's and peers' expectations with your studies, combined with work and climbing and trying to make yourself think this isn't stressful. But who am I to complain? I guess I chose this. But I guess all of this will eventually make you really desensitized and even mentally stronger.

Anyway I hope by the time you're reading this you really are, stronger mentally (and both physically hah) because you've come so far, and we've both worked hard, so hard, for this life and I hope you've made me, but ultimately mom, very proud.

Best wishes,

book of the mental state

there are many things i'm happy for
there are many things i could be happy for
there are many things i should be happy for

but nonetheless the ones that im content about is what that matters and maybe im just slowly working my way into making things that i should be happy about well, make me happy.

i apologize, for not writing for 2 months. but the rest of the second part of the year is beginning to take a toll on me, i think. i'm busy for the most part with work and climbing that i get so scared if i'm getting distracted. but i guess this is what i chose and i shouldnt complain.

other than that getting myself out of such a crappy mental state isnt easy and i really am, still trying. but i dont want to feel like - or rather i want others to make me stop feeling like as if this whole thing is so easy.
it isnt.
and i keep questioning myself - do i not want it as bad?
maybe this is really all in my head. maybe im not pushing my mental limits that this is the only thing that i have left of me.

book of the fragment

Happy father's day.

The memories before I the time I could properly talk have had evaporated only left the taste of a hollow void I was not aware of.
However I do remember, a very small fragment. Believe me, I've tried convincing people I have memories that happened before the age of two.

I remember standing by the lamp post. I remember scouting for snails, snails that glisten as the sunlight hits. I remember him picking one up carefully with his index finger and his thumb like fragile, precious little chinas.

I remember following suit. I remember picking up one after another, and arranging them in a row around the lamp post, pretending as if they would move around it endlessly, like a carousel.

And now I lift these memories, these fragile, precious memories like fine little chinas.

Believe me when I say that these were the only ones that did not evaporate from when before I could properly speak.
But they are here, like a gift from God to remind that there are two parts to me. Of which one has left too soon, before I can reach the age of which I can recall.

Happy father's day.
Love,
A

book of the metaphor

I could have done anything for you. I would've done anything in my wake to make things better instead you pushed me away like this. Some nights I blame myself. Some nights I try to convince myself that I have made the right move because I have given in too often. However it may be I still want to believe that we can have a closure. Reach out to me, please, I'm exhausted, depleted, from trying.

A.

HOWEVER IN OTHER NEWS
a) I have finally gotten a job which means I'll get more preoccupied
b) which does mean I'll be constantly busy which
c) makes it seem like my life has a purpose hAH

book of the vibe

dear

despite my declaration of having myself isolated out of contentment before, i guess i have been getting a lot better. i've got good vibes around me whenever i'm training and it feels great, for the most part. however it frustrates me the most when i think about how weak i am as compared to the days of when i was participating and competing actively. (and back then i was also quite weak, so that says a lot)

i need that pep talk to get myself out of this shitty mental turmoil like the one i had 4 years ago, a few months before i sustained an injury from climbing. i hope a few more months can get me back on track. and probably along the way i'll stay out of any injury.

best wishes,

Anything that I do, I can't do it right.
Anything that I am, I'm not the best that I can be.

I'm in an unhappy place, in which I have no idea to get out of.

book of the solitary

you might need to understand

that i might not like being stuck in these kind of situations

for i am trying desperately to figure it out myself why

you might need to understand

that i might prefer to wander the streets alone

for i feel more warmth in the absence of company

than the numerous chatter from one too many

book of the God's plan

Love is not who you were expecting, love is not who you can predict. 
Maybe love is in New York City, already asleep;
You are in California, Australia, wide awake. 
Maybe love is always in the wrong time zone.
Maybe love is not ready for you. 
Maybe you are not ready for love. 
Maybe love just isn’t the marrying type. 
Maybe the next time you see love is twenty years after the divorce, love is older now, but just as beautiful as you remembered. 
Maybe love is only there for a month. 
Maybe love is there for every firework, every birthday party, every hospital visit. 
Maybe love stays- maybe love can’t. 
Maybe love shouldn’t.

Love arrives exactly when love is supposed to, 
And love leaves exactly when love must. 

-

I experienced myself that love is something that you cannot plan. You can't even go and look for it. There is no point in worrying about it. No point in trying to make it happen. It won't work. In the end, you'll only be disappointed and hurt. So just don't do it. Just be patient, wait and live your life. There is no point in wasting your limited time chasing after something that you'll never be able to catch. (x)

i do know one thing. i do know that im the only person thats fully responsible for my own happiness. i do know that i only have the power to fish myself out of a poisonous mental state.

but i do not know
that it would be this hard

book of the pep talk

If you grow up the type of woman men want to touch,
you can let them touch you.

Sometimes it is not you they are reaching for.
But their hands found you first. Do not mistake yourself for a guardian.

Being loved is not the same thing as loving.
When you fall in love, it is discovering the ocean

after years of puddle jumping. It is realizing you have hands.
It is reaching for the tightrope when the crowds have all gone home.

Do not spend time wondering if you are the type of woman
men will hurt.

Forgive yourself for the decisions you have made, the ones you still call mistakes when you tuck them in at night. And know this:

Know you are the type of woman who is searching for a place to call yours.

Let the statues crumble.
You have always been the place.

You are a woman who can build it yourself.
You were born to build.

The Type by Sarah Kay

snippets from my favorite poem. it is empowering whenever i need some sort of pep talk to pull myself out of a poisonous mental state. 

book of the vibes

i think i'm one push away from a nervous breakdown.
first week of school after term break is just somehow stressful and just demoralizing.
i dont know if it's the hormones or the people or the workload or the pressure, i just dont know.

it's still the same. i'm always blaming myself when people change and distance themselves away from me. like as if i'm some sort of a bad and annoying vibe to be around with.
and the thing is - i'm constantly trying, and trying, to convince myself that it is not in me or because of me that these people drift away - but it is their choice to distance themselves away from me.

but i just cant, and i keep blaming myself.

i need some sort of a closure, to know the reason. it need not make sense, but god, just please tell me.

book of the implode

most days i want to tell myself i have only one thing to focus on and that's my mental state.
most days i tell myself that i have nothing to lose

some days they dont work
some days i think that i have everything in jeopardy - my grades, relationship with my peers, the level of anxiety i am on and the feeling of being useless.

today i feel like everything's about to implode right before me. i have this tendency to make my work immaculate, with no flaws i tend to forget about everything else in between - what people think, how this affects the relationship with my mates and all.

this feels like a nightmare - like secondary 2 all over again. where my objective was to please people and at the same time trying to make things perfect all while forgetting the state of my contentment.

i need to put my happiness first before others - and i still want to be selfless and all.

they have made worms meat of me

some days i feel blessed i have let a few people in my life.
most days i keep thinking that i shouldve cut people off in the first place, that i should have not opened up, i should have not get myself comfortable.

these days are the worst. these days i let those words get to me. these are the days i wonder why did i ever let you in in the first place had i known that you have the tendency to drown me in such a mental state.

these days are the worst.
these are the days when it's completely unbearable.

more often than not i'm only angry at myself. i get angry when i feel so small. i get angry when i feel like an ass for being so firm. i've been such a shit person lately. shit friend, shit sister, shit daughter, shit student- im just shit at everything, there is no other way to put it i'm not even joking.
i'm a shit person, i swear, don't bother.

book of the origin

They could tell you how rare this is. But they could tell you how rare friendship always is. 
The chances are slim.

The cards are always stacked against you, the odds are always low.
But I have seen the best of you, and the worst of you, and I choose both.

I want to share every single one of your sunshines and save some for later.
I will tuck them into my pockets so I can give them back to you when the rains fall hard.

Friend -

I want to be the mirror that reminds you to love yourself.
I want to be air in your lungs that reminds you to breathe easy.

When the walls come down
when the thunder rumbles
when nobody else is home, hold my hand
and I promise

I won’t let go.

things are okay, term break has been nothing much but boring, and i seriously am a clutter of unproductive, procrastinating, useless lump of fat. 

other than that i should probably get back to old habits like reading and listening to podcasts but my attention span has been ridiculously short/limited lately, so i guess listening to poetry slams that make my heart flutter and feel warm even after listening to it over and over again is kind of a good start. 

book of the visuals

port dickson + malacca trip. all while missing school for 2 days, definitely guilt free. 

ask.fm/amirahhans

book of the company

some 40 days without rain. singing under the scorching sun with good company. sharing frozen yogurt after a long day at school. catching up with an old friend & heeding advice. and going to back to old habits. how's things going? good, couldve been a lot better, but good. 

book of the realistically

2 years isn't that long.
but i hope i wake up

a week from now
a month from now
six months from now
a year from now

with the same goals. anything can happen in 24 months, and i hope you give me the strength to carry on. and be afraid enough to know that this is never not enough, and i cant be stagnant.

love,

book of the obliterate

i think ive been quite ok-happy. see the thing about new people is that i dont want to get too attached- or anyone to get too attached to me or i will just end up pushing people away. not the kind that i will obliterate everyone around me - but i guess im just afraid of hurting people's feelings.

gah i dont know where im going.

in other news, first few weeks of school went pretty good. i'd say good-okay-good kinda thing, i dont know. im adjusting pretty well, so far only 1 record of a nervous breakdown or something because i was pulled off my limits but all was well, i got over it pretty fast.

book of the ponder

“Selfishness demands, "what's in it for me?", while love asks, "what can I give?"”

I don't know if i am able to ever exceptionally love a man that already has a noose around his neck just growing more taut by the breath he takes through the cigarette.

I've been thinking a lot about death, lately. not the kind of suicidal thoughts, but in the most raw form of the word. when youre just not there. when you leave. when you leave because it's caused by a habit you choose. i dont know how to say it.

the only example i can think of is my late father. but i dont know if saying what he chose was something "selfish" because all i know that whatever has happened and whatever will happen is what God knows is best to take place.

i dont know. i'm rambling tonight. i'm feeling a lot more emotional than i should be tonight. might be teen hormones fluctuating and being all over the place, or maybe the completely new environment that had me thinking so much about death. there's something wrong with me. new school and all i think about is death.

book of the family oriented

january. in other news i feel like ive been overwhelmed by so much anxiety lately, and i have to make choices for the life that i want. i feel like im definitely obligated to choose what would make me happy because of my interests, but another part of me tells me that i will eventually come to like what i do, because it'll get me a profession. other than that, applied for school the very last day because i had no idea that the school posting was released earlier than others, and shortly after applying i was told to report to school 3 days later. i need to stop worrying but that's all i do even though it wont do anything and everything will all work out in the end. i really need to stop worrying.

"I could do more good dead, than alive" - American Horror Story Asylum

one topic leads to another, rebellion, faith, religion, other cultures bla bla bla
sometimes, most times, i want to end all of this. i want it all to stop.

book of the fuck up

All i do is fuck things up its like i have no morale or a conscience but in reality im constantly being told one thing and the next thing its the complete opposite.
I dont know. I seriously dont.
I am sure the upcoming events are all going to be the same. Me fucking things up and disappointing everyone. And everyone else just assuming instead of asking because that's the nature of everyone.

book of the depleted

i cant be more annoyed or nervous when i get questions about what im going to do next. this the part of my life i have feared of elders telling me and judging me based on what i want to do for the rest of my life.

i cant answer these questions. i know the answers but i cant answer them for the uncertainty it brings. i can say "god willing, i can get into psychology" but no one listens to the first part. and i know for every effort i had put into it that it is no longer an option considering my arithmetical capabilities.