book of superficial teen love

"it was pretty sad that they're over. what made her fall for him was that even though they werent 'religiously compatible', he still told her how much he needed her & loved her"

what was it that made me liked him once? i asked myself. i pondered for a while. 

"then what made you fall for him?" i asked

"he treated me well."
"then what made you fall for him?"

"because he told me i was different, and liked me for being that way. different from most girls and that he liked me for that" 
no one has ever told me that. for the first time, it honestly made me feel beautiful for being in my own skin. 

book of solace

i had a hamster back then called georgette, i could hear her rustling in the darkness. and i thought about how that would sound in an empty room, if i was dead, and how nobody would feed georgette or play with her, or if they did it wouldnt be me, it would be a stranger, because the world would go on but there would be no me in it, i would be like a poster you take off the wall & throwing away; or the empty space on the wall where the poster used to hand. these little rustles from the hamster to cage, going on as if i wasnt there as if i was dead already, and the night went on forever. 

cathy's book, sean stewart & jordan weisman 

a book i picked up a few years ago in the library. months or years later i found it lying around in a book sale.
ah book sales. theyre the best thing life can offer. it's like treasure hunt. how each of them lay on top of each other, one can mean insignificant to you but valuable to another.
 i found this book by accident, was shoveling through piles of books when i found it. continued my search and found the second one. each less than 10 bucks.
maybe that was the last time i was actually happy, & have found solace beneath the used pages of books people didnt want anymore, or simply have not seen the value of it. 

book sales are simply the best.

i know, earlier i posted about how i should be off the laptop. but i finished re-reading the book or the umpteenth time only to have realized such an amazing paragraph. i liked it too much and thought, i needed to write it somewhere. well back to hiatus-ing!!

hiatus

just a bloody hiatus. 2 weeks, amirah.

i keep promising myself in school that once i get home, i'll start on revisions right away. and 3 hours later i'm still being unproductive. i need to prioritize, for the love of god.

but on a happier note, earlier my teacher i had a "not bad" singing voice. aha. most of the time i think i have a terrible voice to listen to but i sing anyway. my spirits lifted when she said that. haaaahaaAAAHAAAahahaahHAHAahhhhaaa ah.

ok, off the laptop in 3, 2-

book of fiction

with the bent spines & ink spills and unnecessary notes which i'll never flip back to, i turned to to a page where all of my eye drawings are parked at. i have a knack for drawing eyes when i get bored in lessons. it was one of them. frowns, curiosity, anger were all there. i started drawing a squint.

"draw my eyes" he said. he looked at me with those small, nearly slit eyes. i appreciate small eyes. the way it's all complex how their creases gather into one until where meet at the end. strange but they're a lot harder to draw.
i narrowed my eyes and stared back. strange request. i thought.
well drawing eyes like yours are easy, they lack creases. i wanted to answer.
but he meant it.
draw my eyes. his voice rang in my ears. reality started to set in. 

terrible
terrible
terrible

at writing fiction. yes.

book of disorders

Disorder	Your Score
Major Depression:	High
Dysthymia:	High
Bipolar Disorder:	Very Slight
Cyclothymia:	Slight
Seasonal Affective Disorder:	Slight-Moderate
Postpartum Depression:	N/A
Take the Depression Test

my past posts have been so depressing lately. but earlier i came across this test on tumblr. not that i was asking for it. but i believe this can be pretty inaccurate. or not.

i'm trying to snap myself out of this pessimistic, sadistic self of mine.
why am i such a sadistic person through my words WHY

book of emotions

i guess it's been quite a while since i've felt that 'bestfriend' figure around me. someone i'm able to talk to.
someone i can spend time talking about my feelings and things like 'deep talks' or whatever you call them.

that i guess yesterday, talking to a friend about it just triggers my emotions.

triggers so much emotions that i didnt know existed.

book of feelings oh my god feelings.

1:45 a.m

i woke up in cold sweat. too much feelings were involved today. frustration, nervousness, anxiety and a whole lot of others. i cant. my mom walks in "how was your day? tired?" i nodded. turned to my side and all my feelings were pouring out again in tears.

i dont know why i'm sad. i dont know why i'm angry. i dont know what im feeling.

this all just reminds me about how it's frustrating when you cant figure people out. when you feel like you know well but that person can just be hard to read and really twisted up inside.
which just makes me asks how people are able to read me.

am i hard to read? i bet not.

but on a lighter note, i didnt like my past responses. so here's a new one formspring.me/amirahhanif

book of twisted thoughts

if it's not real / you cant hold it in your hand / you cant feel it with your heart / and i won't believe it / but if it's true / you can see it with your eyes / oh even in the dark / and that's where i want to be

today's zoo training went a lot well that i thought. the presentation assessment wasnt really that bad. i hoped that i get tested for mangrove swamps and i did. so the universe didnt proved me wrong this time. 

but the trip back home with Sue May was pleasantly nice. we talked about so much things that i opened up to. we talked about how alone we are. and things like that. we talked about the sincerity between friendships and things like that. 

"have you ever felt that youre always there for someone and that that person was never there for you?"

 yes. i did. but right now i'm trying not to make the same mistake. i try not to get too attached to people so in return we dont have to return any favours. 

"do you have any friends? like you know, close ones, after school? weekends, holidays?"

 no. not easy to find someone that fits your soul.

also things like how we honestly think about each other.
she said that i gave off the kind of 'mean' vibe in class. that when i'm approached, i push people away. 

 and that is honestly what i am i guess. the only thing i'm good at. pushing people away and fucking things up. 

"i feel like crying, i'm just going to go home and cry" i feel ya buddy right here /pumps fist at chest/

funny how the person who you least expect you can open up to are able to talk them out with you. i gave a lot of thought about what we talked about in the train and…

nearly broke down on the streets. i dont know what i was sobbing for. what i was angry for. 

and i sobbed my way home. 

so much feelings involved in one day. 

book of useless talent

i have the most useless super power ever. i radiate heat. aha. but seriously, my body temperature gets too high when i do cardio and i'm literally hot. but i don't get all sticky and sweaty. so i get called freaky for that. well okay.

on a heavier note, my common tests results arent even good to start with, let alone impressive. the whole day the questions linger in my head
what if i dont make it. what if i dont make it. what if i dont make it.

not very nice.

book of flashbacks

i think i'll pace my apartment a few times / and fall asleep on the couch / and wake up early, to black and white re-runs / that escape from my mouth

i have this sick feeling from the pit of my stomach. the cramps are not helping either. i don't feel like doing any orders. ha. i forgot how it's like to be sick.

"follow me, i'm going to visit your dad's grave, we're using bik wiwik's car." my mom beckoned my still half asleep sister.

14 years. i thought. 14 years since he died. i can't even remember the last time i visited his grave. and even when mom plans to it's always during school days. that or she forgets to bring me along. i brushed off the thought and left for school. the days i last visited him couldnt be any vivid. 

the book of fondness

i woke up with my head throbbing terribly alongside the pandemonium of a ceremony going on the void deck of the opposite block, back pipes, drums & also the movements of my mother getting ready for work kept me slipping in and out of slumber. 
i still can't breathe properly. my muscles are tense. my throat is sore. i can feel every beat my heart makes, ringing through my ear. i feel like i'm missing something or someone but i dont know what or who. 
right now time feels like it's passing by so slowly. maybe i am missing something. 

book of i just felt like i wanted to write a post today

amirah, just keep in mind

if youre happy in your head then solitude is blessed then alone is okay.

if youre happy in your head then solitude is blessed then alone is okay.

if youre happy in your head then solitude is blessed then alone is okay.

accidental shot by desky from our outing back in sec 2. ah how i miss group outings with the nicest people. 

1. i think i forgot the feeling of having a companion you can talk to about just anything
2. weird and ridiculous how one can fall head over heels for someone and then be able to do just anything for him/her
3. horrible flu throughout the day, unglamorously sneezing and sounding like a boy going through puberty
4. the very thought about how we're all having exams in barely 3 weeks scares me. and then results and then sec 4 and then o levels oh my god o levels /hyperventilates

book of the empty void

i get questions like what it's like to grow up without a father // what's it like to never have a boyfriend // how you brush your teeth // why do you have curly hair

ok scratch that last two questions but,

the first two questions are never easy to explain. because i dont know what it's like.
i dont know because the void is never even there in the first place. like i grew up without it. yes.
but i think it wouldnt be so nice to actually have the empty voids because by now i'll be mulling over how the void is empty.

so no, i'm not a sad person like that.

book of everything is okay

i should probably write about how sorry i am about not writing for more than a week.
i should probably apologize to my readers (lol readers) but no.

anyway out of the 15, 10 backed off from volunteering at the zoo and it pretty annoying on how i still tried pulling the people together but they werent answering.

and also how earlier while training at the zoo, how a kid tripped over my feet out of nowhere and i think people thought that i kicked the kid but that's okay.

and also my progress for my art prep work finals is less than 2% with the deadline in 2 weeks.

but thats okay.

but thats okay.

but thats o k a y.

all in all, everything is fine and o k a y