book of discipline

i need to get all the crap in my life straightened out. starting with a 'dont break the chain' method. 

i used to be able to sit & study the crap out my brains everyday after school until 10 during the common test weeks. i just dont know where that person went. maybe i have an attention span disorder or something, i dont know. 

on a much lighter note, i literally had to sit on the floor every time my stomach started churning in class earlier. not a really good feeling. 

book of identity

posted about a year ago. and recently i've discovered that it's gone. i dont know why but i feel like a part of my identity went with it. i was actually thinking of doing something about it for one of my art exams. 

i thought i hated it so much because i really hated it when i get hit on the face. 

i'm now like sokka without his boomerang.

book of dreams

i'm an anxiety attack & mental breakdown away from getting into my dream course.

"if i dont get 8 points,"
"your goal isnt 9 points. you have to get all a1. you are competing with the whole nation."

well that didnt help. excuse me while i drown myself with more school & pratice.

book of confessions

just me summarized in bullet points.
when i was younger i tend to say stupid things or wrong things at the wrong time. most of the time i get stares or nudged by my sister or mother. just makes me feel stupid and angry at myself then.

not that i wasnt taught what to say at the right time.

but i guess i grew up thinking it's better i just shut up and keep to myself instead of saying things that might turn out inappropriate at the point of time.

2345

Hi, I'm amirah. and I'm pretty good at fucking things up.

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typical

1. about 3 weeks ago i actually dyed my hair purple
2. my cat trying to hide inside a box
3. smiling calculator
4. gradient painting
5. lego sorting
6. line drawing for distraction
7. photo from my first climbing competition when i was 14. ahh so nostalgic. and painful.
8. and i bleached a part of my hair last night. i'm not sure how i feel about this. 

self esteem taking a toll since the past weeks but that's normal. 

i'll make it a point to write down my feels here somehow. this writers block has come at a very inappropriate time. 

2 events that had made my day so horrible.

1. Im sorry im not even skinny/thin/the perfect weight

2. I saw the most horrible tutor ive been with while i was heading home. Then all the horrible things she said to me suddenly became so clear and i realized how horrible she is.
Back when i was 10 or 11 she tutored me arabic along with a few other schoolmates that were pretty much geniuses. When i couldn't do something right she would speak to me in such a low, degrading tone, about how i do this, because i didnt love my mother or something like that.
She made it seem like im a burden.

I honestly still cant believe how she could do such a thing. I mean i was still a kid and it was because i couldnt do it or understand it.


Im sorry im not skinny. Im sorry im fat. Im sorry im not smart enough. Im sorry im not the person you expected to turn out. Im trying to be a better person.

if you're happy in your head than solitude is blessed and alone is okay

i'm empty but content.

how?

lugo box

i'm pretty much very broke right now & i'm patiently (trying) waiting for my allowance to come to buy these babies. i need to prioritize. sigh.

powah

lol okay.

anyway i've been feeling rather distracted lately. i really cant do anything.
on a much lighter note, i think ive been falling on track with school. i seem to be doing okay ever since i've been put into a smaller math group for people who apparently "need individual attention" according to my teacher.

have a nice weekend.

apologies, apologies.

i meant to write about what i did during the weekends of my holidays but i keep forgetting. but anyway, i went to K.L again for wedding at a very fancy ballroom hotel with very fancy dinner & a very fancy bus ride to K.L.

anyway during the 3 course meal, our cousin & her family were seated with us and it was kind of embarassing, i admit. they placed their napkins on the collar of the shirts and stood up during meals to get the good stuff on the table before all of us were served omg askjdlkdjshfskh i couldnt stand it. 

also in one night i saw so much things more than ive had in singapore. we saw a burning bridge during our cab ride back to the hotel and it exploded in front of us. even the taxi driver played along when my brother in law insisted we stop to take photos haha. 

and also a bunch of motorcyclists driving past us while doing stunts on the road. 

something i'll never see in singapore.

autumn filter

  

photos from the long overdued picnic during the school holidays. i had a great time. 

we had picnic at the rooftop of vivo city which was mercilessly hot & took far too many photos & then watched madagascar 3. and then played swordfight at toysrus

it would go better for me though if i hadnt decide on wearing those ankle heel boots or whatever you call them. but nonetheless i had a great time.

lurb you guise.