i feel like my body has grown weary, i feel like im troubling everyone, i feel exhausted, i feel like as if my mind just gave up.

will this pass? 

book of the unsettled soul

sometimes it hurts my head so much to think that i am in love with, and i am loved by a man who wouldn't even hesitate to do anything just to make me happy. 

damn, it makes me so emotional every time i think about it. im sorry for the times I've been so selfish, even if it's only in my head - when you are a person who's willing to work the hardest just to spoil me. 

sometimes it hurts my head so much to think that i am so blessed, it's almost impossible to grasp, like i have done something right to deserve such a person.

heck, i could feel my tears welling. im sorry for the times when i make you feel like as if i am the person in this relationship that's constantly in chase, or like as if you deserve less than the 100% that i give, when you, in fact give insurmountable in us. 

i am in love with you, Hafiz, I really am. and right now you are all that i need.

book of the dull

and you are the colour in my life 

book of the time capsule

Dear

two years felt like a really long time back then. but you're finally out of school for now. you and i both know that we've been anxious since day one about this time of our life. there is this uncertainty that makes me so afraid. 

two years didnt feel like a really long time when it's spent well. but right now two months feels like a long time because of there is this fear of the unknown. I really hope I'll be able to enroll into the school that i want to get into next year.

reading the previous letter felt nostalgic, different. i felt like i was reading a letter from someone else. it's almost so amazing how such a short amount of time can help you grow. 

but to clear your doubts, most of the things i had hoped for have been achieved, and i hope you are proud. the year almost feels like a blur, but yet so clear because of the things that happened. good or bad, they helped. 

but some days i feel like i was doing a good job at trying my best, but other days i felt like as if I didn't try hard enough, and things can definitely be better in these hands. it's almost too overwhelming that I can't put the things that have happend to words.

i know some i did well, and i have to say im pretty proud of because we both know we worked our asses off for it. it is nice to leave the school and the team with a certain impact because of our actions. i know for one that i was hands, and a backbone for what i see was something larger than i am - and i hope you can look back some day and still feel and immense relief, or maybe even an endearing feeling towards the people that have expressed gratitude for what you've done. it feels unreal to have a few that look up to you, it feels almost impossible to grasp that you have set a bar, or a new standard for the future young individuals.

but also some days, i felt like I don't deserve the rewards. sometimes I don't deserve to call myself the backbone because of the people who helped me through. sometimes i feel selfish. sometimes i feel like my hands are too small, and everyone else is as deserving of the things I've achived because they were also my backbone. sometimes it hurts because I can't help it - albeit the voice that i have, that it is inevitable that i am in a position to be selfish. it sounds ridiculous, i know. 

you almost slipped away as well. you almost lost motivation for eveything and started questioning the direction you're going towards. but sometimes i remind myself why i got there in the first place, and the things that i stand up for. sometimes i beg of the voices in my mind to stop telling myself that my hands are too small. 

I can't tell you right now if i have been consistent. part of me have been, because of those things i want badly, but part of me feels like I've not - when the thoughts of me thinking im not trying hard enough haunts me. 

but i do know one thing, that the choices and things we've done so far are what made us what we are now. there were no regrets, because despite all of the things we've done, stupid or not made us learn and grow. and i am thankful, for all of the people that helped me with it wether good or bad. and the people who stuck through to help me grow. 

yours sincerely, 

(December 2015)

 

-

Dear Amirah,

I hope those 2 years you spent in that school was worth every effort and time. At the very point you were writing this you just got past your lowest point so far in the year and I think things are slowly are looking up, but don't worry, currently I'm working very hard so by the time you're reading this, you're living a better life now, and you are able to bask in the rewards from all the hard work you've put in.

Also at this point of time you (or at least I) have decided I should at least try to write a letter to you (or me from the future) and by the time you are ready to read this I hope you're able to see how far you've come and I really really hope you are content and things are at least better over there.

I think I haven't vaguely set what I expect of myself this year yet, just that I do have it off the top off my head and I guess the least I could do is to just write it down. But anyways, I hope by the time you read this you can probably do at least 5 pull ups without assistance and maybe even get into the POL-ITE team by the end of your second year in school.

I know that the last time you went for trials in this year it didn't go too well and although you we'rent expecting much, I knew you (or at least I did) felt really disappointed by the end of it. I think it showed too much because I had a friend come up to me and bought me out for fresh air because he knew something was bothering me (although I shouldn't be) even though I tried, so hard, to look like nothing was wrong and not making into the team didn't mean much to me.

But aaaaaaaanyway I hope you're still climbing and I hope you still love it as much as I do now. I hope the days you feel as shitty as I have been feeling lately don't come as often when you're training and you feel physically incompetent and mentally drained. I hope by the time you're reading this those days don't come by that often, I really do.

Other than that I hope you're reading this and still feel an immense passion like I do in what you're pursuing and I hope that you're still focused on your goals. I hope you have excel very well and have been consistent in your studies and I hope by now you are able to taste the fruit you and I have worked so hard for.

Currently I'm trying, so hard to keep things consistent and I didn't thought this semester would be this hard, but I'm still trying very hard to keep at it. It's not easy, I swear, to live up to your lecturer's and peers' expectations with your studies, combined with work and climbing and trying to make yourself think this isn't stressful. But who am I to complain? I guess I chose this. But I guess all of this will eventually make you really desensitized and even mentally stronger.

Anyway I hope by the time you're reading this you really are, stronger mentally (and both physically hah) because you've come so far, and we've both worked hard, so hard, for this life and I hope you've made me, but ultimately mom, very proud.

Best wishes,

(September 2014)

book of the element

it feels like a blur, yet so clear - like being submerged in water. a glass door was all it takes but once in they all seem fuzzy. 

it feels very exhilarating, yet calming - just like the sea. i dont know where the current will take me, but it calms me for that moment of stillness.

it feels like as if i have no fear, yet i am still afraid - just like the depths of the oceans. i put faith that my soul can take whatever this has to offer, but yet, i shift my vulnerability to hands that can possibly drown me. 

i have faith, i have gained faith. and i love you.