book of the solitary

you might need to understand

that i might not like being stuck in these kind of situations

for i am trying desperately to figure it out myself why

you might need to understand

that i might prefer to wander the streets alone

for i feel more warmth in the absence of company

than the numerous chatter from one too many

book of the God's plan

Love is not who you were expecting, love is not who you can predict. 
Maybe love is in New York City, already asleep;
You are in California, Australia, wide awake. 
Maybe love is always in the wrong time zone.
Maybe love is not ready for you. 
Maybe you are not ready for love. 
Maybe love just isn’t the marrying type. 
Maybe the next time you see love is twenty years after the divorce, love is older now, but just as beautiful as you remembered. 
Maybe love is only there for a month. 
Maybe love is there for every firework, every birthday party, every hospital visit. 
Maybe love stays- maybe love can’t. 
Maybe love shouldn’t.

Love arrives exactly when love is supposed to, 
And love leaves exactly when love must. 

-

I experienced myself that love is something that you cannot plan. You can't even go and look for it. There is no point in worrying about it. No point in trying to make it happen. It won't work. In the end, you'll only be disappointed and hurt. So just don't do it. Just be patient, wait and live your life. There is no point in wasting your limited time chasing after something that you'll never be able to catch. (x)

i do know one thing. i do know that im the only person thats fully responsible for my own happiness. i do know that i only have the power to fish myself out of a poisonous mental state.

but i do not know
that it would be this hard

book of the pep talk

If you grow up the type of woman men want to touch,
you can let them touch you.

Sometimes it is not you they are reaching for.
But their hands found you first. Do not mistake yourself for a guardian.

Being loved is not the same thing as loving.
When you fall in love, it is discovering the ocean

after years of puddle jumping. It is realizing you have hands.
It is reaching for the tightrope when the crowds have all gone home.

Do not spend time wondering if you are the type of woman
men will hurt.

Forgive yourself for the decisions you have made, the ones you still call mistakes when you tuck them in at night. And know this:

Know you are the type of woman who is searching for a place to call yours.

Let the statues crumble.
You have always been the place.

You are a woman who can build it yourself.
You were born to build.

The Type by Sarah Kay

snippets from my favorite poem. it is empowering whenever i need some sort of pep talk to pull myself out of a poisonous mental state. 

book of the vibes

i think i'm one push away from a nervous breakdown.
first week of school after term break is just somehow stressful and just demoralizing.
i dont know if it's the hormones or the people or the workload or the pressure, i just dont know.

it's still the same. i'm always blaming myself when people change and distance themselves away from me. like as if i'm some sort of a bad and annoying vibe to be around with.
and the thing is - i'm constantly trying, and trying, to convince myself that it is not in me or because of me that these people drift away - but it is their choice to distance themselves away from me.

but i just cant, and i keep blaming myself.

i need some sort of a closure, to know the reason. it need not make sense, but god, just please tell me.

book of the implode

most days i want to tell myself i have only one thing to focus on and that's my mental state.
most days i tell myself that i have nothing to lose

some days they dont work
some days i think that i have everything in jeopardy - my grades, relationship with my peers, the level of anxiety i am on and the feeling of being useless.

today i feel like everything's about to implode right before me. i have this tendency to make my work immaculate, with no flaws i tend to forget about everything else in between - what people think, how this affects the relationship with my mates and all.

this feels like a nightmare - like secondary 2 all over again. where my objective was to please people and at the same time trying to make things perfect all while forgetting the state of my contentment.

i need to put my happiness first before others - and i still want to be selfless and all.

they have made worms meat of me

some days i feel blessed i have let a few people in my life.
most days i keep thinking that i shouldve cut people off in the first place, that i should have not opened up, i should have not get myself comfortable.

these days are the worst. these days i let those words get to me. these are the days i wonder why did i ever let you in in the first place had i known that you have the tendency to drown me in such a mental state.

these days are the worst.
these are the days when it's completely unbearable.

more often than not i'm only angry at myself. i get angry when i feel so small. i get angry when i feel like an ass for being so firm. i've been such a shit person lately. shit friend, shit sister, shit daughter, shit student- im just shit at everything, there is no other way to put it i'm not even joking.
i'm a shit person, i swear, don't bother.