book of the timid

i know i get nothing from holding on to the past and it's completely pointless and poisonous to hold on to grudges but i just cant seem

to let go

and everything is still completely clear to this day and they all come back and all i can feel is pain and humiliation. i dont even remember doing anything to severely aggravate him to do such a thing, or even if what i did can be punished by humiliating me like that.

or even if being punished for trying to find a confidante in the security of a harmless journal is even right, or that even taught me anything that they had aimed for.

book of the timid

i remember i used to keep countless of diaries and journals throughout my childhood. i think i found solace for the fact that i have something to tell to about my day or what i thought without being judged and of course, for the fact that i grew up around adults and i felt that no one can even stop to listen.

so today i found and old one of mine and my grandma went "you used to be so sly and mean, writing snide comments about what you disliked and who you hated"

"because that was my diary and that was the purpose of a diary"

"well people couldve read it and feelings can get hurt"

"because it was no one's right to read it, and to tell me what to feel, and what not to feel. i believe that you wish i'd rather that, than tell people in the face what i disliked what they did and how i felt"

all the memories of people who had no right in access of a stupid book of feelings just come back to me in pain. there's nothing else to describe it. i think back and all i feel is pain.

teachers humiliating me and punishing me and telling me "you cannot write like that in your diary. maybe at the end of each post you should evaluate it all and write a conclusion of what you hope for: like i hope my friend becomes a better person"

all of you are missing the point. all of you have no right.

book of the anticipate

i have to say i was a lot eager for this and not even really that nervous. 

everything went smoothly and it just felt cool being wheeled in to the operation theater and all around me was just really really cool i dont even know lol

but other than that i do remember waking up from a really muddled dream and realizing i had an intubator down my airway and that didnt felt great. 

but all is well. all is good. :-)

book of the drained

nothing feels right today.

when i'm sad i shift things around and organize my things.
but halfway through nothing feels right so my stuff is all over the place.

i thought that maybe i might take a walk to bedok central and get a nice drink and walk back
but nothing feels right. i cant seem to do anything right. so i changed back.

just nothing. i'm mentally drained. and that is all.

book of the i guess im not a social butterfly

prom was okay up until i was pulled up stage with some other few people to participate in some game and then after that being the last one standing up stage. apparently i was told that i won a pair of tickets to universal studios but that's a fucking lie.

prom was going well, up until i was forced to go up stage. i dont know why but violated is the word. because i'm awfully shy or introverted, i dont even know which. i just know that i felt violated that i had to go up there, all against my will. and i just wish that i was traumatized enough to have that memory completely blocked off.

but on a much happier note, had i not have such great company around me, i wouldve just hid under the table until everything was over. thanks guys. other than that i was approached by a few strangers from the school alumni to take some photos because they thought my hair was so ~cool~ and that was something else.

book of the serve

went for 2 job interviews and both times my potential employers looked a little disappointed after i mentioned that i was not certain when i can start working due to my operation coming up.

i dont know why i feel bad for always at least disappointing people at something.

i really need to stop aaaaAAAaaahhHH

book of the transition

yes.

on another note, things are happening a lot faster than i had expected. anyway as soon as i thought i wouldnt get a part time job, i started getting calls for them. but i didnt know this part of my life- waiting and partially on my own as i transition into upper adolescents- almost an adult- would happen so fast.
but i hope all goes well.

in other news, the first time i went out with this hair a small kid holding her mum's hand was pointing at me being so fascinated. and the mom was trying to pretend not to hear her and trying not to look at me.
i hope i dont look that hostile.

book of the trying

- o levels are finally over
- oh my god o levels are finally over
- finally got the fabric for my ~prom dress~
- wow 4 years and that's it. the exam that sets the rest of my life is finally over.

book of the giver

o levels are sort over with a minor paper left and i felt this huge weight off of my chest once i got done with my 3-hour art exam. i will never, ever again stay up all night to fill up as much A3 sized paper as i can with my crappy drawings anymore. 

anyway i just hope all goes fine this month, like my prom dress, prom, surgery, getting a job and things like that. (lol the things 17 year olds hope/wish for) i hope whoever's reading will have a blessed month ahead u_u