book of the only person

prep work experimenting. i was smelling the piece after i was done while looking at a mirror and thought "whoa that'd make a powerful picture for my prep studies"

but what's really sad was i had better shots of these but they all got erased because i forgot to put in the memory card. crappy ass camera.

anyway i have to be really honest with you, i'm completely not used to receiving those kinds of compliments and i don't want it to overwhelm me too much that it gets into my head. but i still cant thank you enough though they can possibly be from one person giving it off redundantly (or even from my mom!!!) and even though they are a really insignificant number if you compare it to the popular girls in my school, i still feel really flattered.

gah i need to stop getting distracted

book of the better days

i just had
one of the most
epic
reaction
about my hair

the guy by the bubble tea local store was speechless and was making weird noises while putting his hands around his head as i approached to buy bubble tea and i was waiting for him to finish spazzing because all i wanted to say was "caramel milk tea please" and before i could answer his question "why" or something his dad said

HOT LA

omg.

but on a rather happier note, i really did not expect the reaction when i posted about my hair on instagram. all of you are really nice and the compliments really make me feel warm inside. and really. i am completely not used to getting these types of compliments in such a short amount of time, it was really overwhelming.


but other than that i had the nicest stylist that did my hair and i made sure connection was the key in getting what i wanted this time. (because most of the time i trust too much in my stylist's instinct and was afraid to speak up. yes those are what leave me with bad haircuts most of the time) he was so nice and said every sentence in the most delicate way it intrigued me. he asked me questions about why i wanted short hair and if i was from around the area and told me i was brave.

everything went a lot better than expected u_u

book of the insecure

i believe you are the only person i can confide in and you wont judge me for it.

i can hear it. even though i tried countless of times re reading and thinking about what Jenn Im said.

it took up almost all of my courage i have ever possessed. doing it was easy but revealing it to everyone had my blood pumping with adreanaline. 

i'm happy but i kept thinking and making up these scenarios of what people would think about it. 

i promise you i'm the same person. 

book of the opposites

it's an growing playlist but in it are the songs i usually listen to whenever i feel like i've reach a point where i can't take the chaos anymore. (my personal favourite is the gold lining by broke for free) it's better when i curl into a ball in bed while listening to it. 

but on the other hand, i listen to this when i feel like i've reached the state to tranquility (corny, hah) and this just makes it better for the fact that i'm calm and content. 

anyway a lot has happened since the past hour. i think it has gone a little bit out of hand because i believe that you've crossed way past the line by telling her to kill herself. there's so much things that you lack even though you clearly claim that you posses these superficial traits which i dont think anyone can care less with your shit attitude this way (good at singing & popular? seriously? what do you think this is, fucking showbiz??) 

telling someone that he/she's ugly, a cunt, a loser and any other socially and physically degrading names tells me so much that you lack and let me tell you this pal, being like this while telling everyone else that you have something that she doesnt have, pfft do you think people can oversee your crappy attitude? what gives?

book of the ghost

went through 2012 and i can honestly say it was a good year (if you dont include all the worrying and fretting)

but i have realised that the reason i was contented throughout the whole year because i was floating around with no strings attached. i was a ghost. i didnt want to matter to anyone and i dont want anyone that significant.

but of course a new normal has settled in since the beginning of the year and of course i'm contented to have found very lovely people i can connect to but it also means i'm in another sphere where a whole lot of other things happen and i needed to be aware of it. back then when an issue comes up it has no significance to me and i brush it off because i was uninvolved, anyway.

ugh is there ever anything con free?

book of the "do it for yourself"

   

  

  

"In high school, I was really insecure. I was jealous of everybody. Everybody had something that I didn't have and I wanted it. It was just really self destructive and I was just very unhappy in high school. I think we all intrinsically have our own personal sense of style within us, and even if it means that you have to start off by mimicking someone's outfit, styled by outfit by outfit, it's not identical, in a sense. It's still being filtered and syphoned through your won perspective. So you're still twistin' it, you know? All of you guys have your own personal sense of style, just inherently in you but it's up to you to kind of lift those mental blocks in your head, like "what are people gonna think about me" or "they're gonna think I'm crazy or trying too hard" or like "I really cant pull this off" because that's all mental. It's all in your head, and once you lift that, you're free and you just feel a lot more happier and confident with yourself. It's gonna come gradually. And in due time, you're eventually gonna stop caring. So just plant that thought in your mind. and do it for yourself, do what makes you happy."


(clothes encounters // quote // gif credit)

book of the suffocating

appears brash but cannot cope with personal criticism 

book of the for some undefined reason i just wanted to tell you this

maybe the whole judgemental, self-centered figure i carry is me abandoning the years of my life i have spent trying to please people.

i dont know.

for all i know i'm doing this for myself. when i put others ahead of me, everything and everyone else tells me it's bad that i put everyone else's happiness before myself. and when i'm in the state i'm in right now everyone else thinks i'm pulling it off as someone too quick to judge, and just plain selfish.

i dont understand this place. i really dont. and just do it for yourself.

book of the wait what

happycatphoto lol ok bye (and you have to admit, my cat's eyes are so gorgeous. and i also did a good cateye.)

ah but anyway on a darker note, theres so many things i want to say but i dont know where to start. maybe i'm not even in the picture but i wish you could just tell me why you are doing this. i shoudnt be the least bit bothered but morally, you should have the least bit of guilt and shame because no one likes to be called names or anything theyre not. i hope you come clean or just at least realize that this whole situation is unnecessary and may be because you initiated it in the first place. i hope you put yourself in her shoes. i hope that those rude inane comments doesnt escalate to a point where the subject doesnt feel like living anymore. if that does happen (god forbid) i never want to hear saying "i shouldnt have done that" so i hope the guilt will eat you alive.

book of the excuse me

pardon the recent sad posts. the things i've been doing since the past week are just procrastinating, finding ways to not procrastinate, mulling over the fact that i'm not doing anything, watching a lot of youtube videos, and going to book sales and getting more books besides the fact that i'm still not done reading the first book of 1q84. 

anyway i hope you have a good holiday ahead. 

book of the

i want to stop all these voices in my head
i want to stop them all around me
i want you to stop telling me that im worthless
i want you to stop telling me that i need to rise behind these words

they do not help me



and it's just a fucking excuse

Amirah youre only one thing.

Youre just selfish.

book of the dejected

i
really
cant
make
myself
feel

so low
dejected
worthless

i dont know what's going on. i don't know where it all started. i don't know why i feel really bad about myself. if you're looking for an honest answer, i can't handle hate really well. even though it's not directly at me.

if that's what you want to hear.

book of the 50/50

either i was 

a) crying too much while watching the movie

b) channelling all my anxiety that's why i was crying too much

c) it's just a really really really sad/touching movie 

book of the sentiments

void is non existent. sympathy is rather uncomfortable.