book of the ponder

“Selfishness demands, "what's in it for me?", while love asks, "what can I give?"”

I don't know if i am able to ever exceptionally love a man that already has a noose around his neck just growing more taut by the breath he takes through the cigarette.

I've been thinking a lot about death, lately. not the kind of suicidal thoughts, but in the most raw form of the word. when youre just not there. when you leave. when you leave because it's caused by a habit you choose. i dont know how to say it.

the only example i can think of is my late father. but i dont know if saying what he chose was something "selfish" because all i know that whatever has happened and whatever will happen is what God knows is best to take place.

i dont know. i'm rambling tonight. i'm feeling a lot more emotional than i should be tonight. might be teen hormones fluctuating and being all over the place, or maybe the completely new environment that had me thinking so much about death. there's something wrong with me. new school and all i think about is death.

book of the family oriented

january. in other news i feel like ive been overwhelmed by so much anxiety lately, and i have to make choices for the life that i want. i feel like im definitely obligated to choose what would make me happy because of my interests, but another part of me tells me that i will eventually come to like what i do, because it'll get me a profession. other than that, applied for school the very last day because i had no idea that the school posting was released earlier than others, and shortly after applying i was told to report to school 3 days later. i need to stop worrying but that's all i do even though it wont do anything and everything will all work out in the end. i really need to stop worrying.

"I could do more good dead, than alive" - American Horror Story Asylum

one topic leads to another, rebellion, faith, religion, other cultures bla bla bla
sometimes, most times, i want to end all of this. i want it all to stop.

book of the fuck up

All i do is fuck things up its like i have no morale or a conscience but in reality im constantly being told one thing and the next thing its the complete opposite.
I dont know. I seriously dont.
I am sure the upcoming events are all going to be the same. Me fucking things up and disappointing everyone. And everyone else just assuming instead of asking because that's the nature of everyone.

book of the depleted

i cant be more annoyed or nervous when i get questions about what im going to do next. this the part of my life i have feared of elders telling me and judging me based on what i want to do for the rest of my life.

i cant answer these questions. i know the answers but i cant answer them for the uncertainty it brings. i can say "god willing, i can get into psychology" but no one listens to the first part. and i know for every effort i had put into it that it is no longer an option considering my arithmetical capabilities.