book of the word of the day: anxious

i have always made a good job at worrying. it either turns out way better than i had anticipated or just not as worse as i had imagined. today marks the start of the o level exam period and we start off with science practical and it was ok. i'm sure the bell curve for bio would be sort of low. hopefully.

and then after that i had an appointment which pretty much fucked up my anxiety level since they urgently shifted it 20 days forward almost immediately after i had the physical exam done. that also went okay.
i felt lifted the moment the doctor said "of course we'll use general anesthesia" because being numb while conscious at the same time while listening to doctors meddling with their apparatus scares me.

and i guess i was that nervous because i keep drifting in and out of sleep the night before and i could hear voices in my head telling me about how anxious i was. and it was clearly showing as i sat in the waiting room and my mom offered me coffee which i firmly declined and then she proceeded to pat my chest telling me to relax.

all is good.

all is well.

book of the hold on

i want this to end quickly
i dont want to spend the rest of my life regretting

but i cant do it now

and i cant figure it out

book of the finally out

photo by kimberly x.x

ended graduation day with lunch at simpang bedok with my favorite people and we had the most heavenly prata because we're kinda classy like that.

anyway my very last year in changkat has been really fruitful thanks to these people i've found (also the worst because of O's and stupid girl drama wtf 16 year olds) but today was definitely one of the pleasant-est days in my school life. also i laughed crying when my most serious bio teacher made us do the 'changkat cheer' with so much spirit and i had some thoughtful gifts and i really cant believe i received a painting of darth vader from my art teacher.

holy hell i cant believe i'm sort-of officially out of changkat.

book of the dear

dear

i'm undeniably upset ever since i was told that my teacher was certain that my friends and i will most probably come back to school the next year because of what i'm doing/what i haven't been doing.

i understand. i'm completely sure i'm one of the worst student he has ever encountered. but there are several things along the conversation that made me mentally absent from class afterwards. i want to tell him very badly of how i personally think that we're all entitled to our own decisions and opinions. probably what i chose, what my friends chose is something he might get baffled upon hearing and he probably thinks that his decisions are what's best but i have come to the point where i don't really want to hear about anything like that because i believe i know what's only right and suitable for me.

maybe my concepts and his philosophy doesn't align but i want to tell him that he really can't force it to what's decided. i don't intend to come back even it means i have to pass through several social degradations because i know that's the only way out and i have no other options. i understand now how it can be so pervasive, because the educators themselves are sometimes so ignorant to keep an open mind.

i don't like this place. everyone's mindset is so obscured just so everyone else come out the same.



anyway i leave you with something to hear. it's pretty witty and adorable but also thought-provoking at the same time for the meaning behind the metaphor it brings.

yours faithfully,