book of the slumber (fiction)

12:54 a.m

i should be sound asleep.
maybe with a dream or two. but i can't help thinking irrationally. it's almost comical, almost a bit too silly but i still think of it.

i should be sound asleep.
but instead thoughts of my worst fear keeps me awake.

i should be sound asleep.
but i feel, i know, as paranoia embraces me tight beneath the safety of my bedsheets.

I want to sleep this off. And i have no reason to stress over it. but I just can't seem to sleep this off.
trying, to take deep, slow, breaths as i scrawl these words into a notebook.

i should be sound asleep.
but instead i hear those voices.
"there's no point"
"she doesn't deserve this"
"i don't know how one can stand her"

4:32 a.m

i should be sound asleep.
instead i lay, numb, almost drenched in cold sweat. the moment slumber takes over, horrid thoughts find its way to wake me up.

book of to the all

thank you for being here for me, and thank you for letting me grow. i know im not the best and doing any of this but i really want you to know that im always listening, and im always grateful, even if i don't express it enough. but i always am, and always will be and i feel like i can never express enough gratitude to the people who've helped me, even in ways they don't even realise it.

everything you say, will always help me grow.

book of the cheesy ass post

wednesday, january 21st.

things to be thankful for

1. i'm thankful for my teammates, especially jolene, shermaine and joy. lately us girls have been motivating each other and really pushing each other's mental limits. in the moment it feels like hell but when it's all over i think about how i wouldn't have it any other way.

2. i'm thankful to always be able to return to your arms (both figuratively or not) everyday, and i always feel secure, complete, whenever i think about how our fate has intertwined, and how i can always live within the warmth of your heart, and always call it home.

3. i'm thankful that there's constantly good vibes around me. even when at times i don't see it, there will always be someone that would remind me that contentment all lies in my mind, not on based on circumstances that i find myself tangled in.

book of the late

late night thoughts

- people keep saying i have absolutely no chill leading a team

- i've made so much sacrifices for this team and i just hope that i will eventually come to see that it will all be worth it

- but at the same time i have so much fear that i won't be able to taste the fruit i've worked so hard for

- one of the sacrifices include being the person everyone thinks is the total control bossy ass bitch. for once i actually want people to not think that of me.

- but i think that is pointless already. i think i have to live with some sort of curse that i don't actually get liked my entire life.

- i shouldn't really care about what people think about me.

but i just can't.

2:44 am. i might've been thinking too much.

but i do know one thing

- how do i get so lucky to love and be loved by such a person?

2:47 am. no wait i don't know the answer to that.

book of the i dont know

I don't know, it's just that I feel morally obligated to keep my mouth shut, especially if I'm having a really bad day.

I don't know, maybe I really don't know, if the other person listening is also having it the same way, maybe even harder.

I don't know, I feel like sometimes people just ask, just to give you the satisfaction, when in fact, they don't really care.

I don't know, maybe they ask, but they don't really want to listen.

I don't know, I already have a lot to listen to myself, coming from the depths of my head, and I feel like listening to someone else's drains me out, too.

I don't know. It's better that I keep it shut, rather than I erupt into some sort of a time bomb, obliterating whatever I have of me until they've had enough.

I don't know. I really don't.

book of the all

If anything, know that I am willing to give it a try.
If anything, know that I am, still, afraid.

But if anything, know that despite all of this, despite knowing of the repercussions if or when the cracks starts to appear, or even when it shatters,

know that I am still willing
to let live, and to fall, freely, with arms wide open, with the wind against my face.

And I trust, that you'll be able to catch me.

And even if you don't, it will then be a lesson to learn, to never free fall without looking down first.

But I know, I will do it again anyway. All in a heartbeat.
I know, I will still foolishly let go completely, and fall even harder.

book of the new

Dear

I was so sure by the time December came around that I thought 2014 won't be so much of a good year for me. I'm sure you can tell from the amount posts I had written of me trying to desperately hold on and trying to see the light in everything.

I guess I just wasn't around the people that could lift my spirits up during the time I thought I was hitting rock bottom. Maybe I was, but I guess I didn't let myself around them too much because for so long I avoided opening up because I knew if I do, no one could care less, and also I had learnt that it was quite the chore to be listening to other's people's problems besides your own.

So I kept myself in.

In 2014 was also where I learnt and promised myself to only give love only when I've learned to love myself and to love unconditionally. I guess I could say I've stuck to that.

I remember trying to tirelessly find reasons to love someone but I just couldn't make myself do so for the things that this person was doing/has done. I only liked the idea of us. 

When they all asked, the only words I could muster was "I like him, for who he is, but not for what he's doing"

I'm sure you knew that the period of time made me question my self worth, it surely wasn't the easiest and it wasn't a good place to be in. 

But I think I'm saved. Saved from that shitty mental state I was in. All I needed was time. Time to figure myself out. And I waited. Lived for all I care with all of that being at the back of my mind. 

And you were there, all along. And I guess it just took a while. I guess all it took was the right moment. When I was least expecting it. 

I remember on that day when I bet it took all of you to finally ask "so, what are we again?" and all I was was unbelievably speechless, and all I could gather was a "I'll talk to you tonight, alright?" And I swore it almost took everything of me to say those things I said to you that night.

Believe me, it was like as if I had to reach into my guts and clench whatever I had of me to try to think it through. Believe me, I tried, to think of the things that could pull me back from loving unconditionally. 

And I found none. 

I can't explain to you how it feels like to discover such a feeling. It's like as if you've secretly uncover a void that I wasn't aware of, and hid yourself in it until it was time for me to discover it.

It is discovering the ocean, after years of puddle-jumping.

You put things into perspective. And it's like I've discovered a realm I thought I will never uncover. This feeling, I swear, is unconditional. 

Love,