It is inherent in characteristics of a child born last to not like being pushed around in settings other than the household. 

And I do know one thing. That I'm bossy as fuck.

Some days I've had enough of doing the same thing and get twice the shit. 

book of the second best

it is horrible
to know that you're a back up plan

it is horrible
to be second best

it is horrible
when you're just the person some turn to when in need of comfort
because they couldn't find what they were looking for in someone else. someone else more important.

it is horrible
to leave the day questioning your self worth

it is horrible
to be the second best.

do not mistake yourself for a guardian. or a muse. or a promise. or a victim, or a snack. you are a woman, skin and bones, veins and nerves, hair and sweat. you are not made of metaphors. not apologies. not excuses.

book of the i dont need you

being loved, is not the same thing as loving. 
when you fall in love it is discovering the ocean after years of puddle jumping.
it is realizing you have hands. 
it is reaching for the tightrope when the crowds have all gone home

do not spend time wondering if you are the type men will hurt - if he leaves you with a car alarm heart you have learned to sing along. 
it is hard
to strop loving the ocean
even after its left you 
gasping
salty

so forgive yourself for the decisions that you've made
the ones you still call mistakes when you tuck them in at night
and know this
that you are the type of woman 
who is searching for a place to call yours

let the statues crumble

you have always been the place.

----

it's been a rough, shitty week. please tell me how to not feel. 

book of the hello november

i dont know if it's today that i'm feeling this way but i just feel like giving up and letting go.
some days i don't know why i'm working this hard.
some days i wonder if it is worth every effort.
some days i feel like people think i'm still not working hard enough - and i'm starting to believe that myself.
some days i feel like i'm trying, trying really hard but i still feel like the running joke.

but most days i try to tell myself that this will all be worth it.

october was okay. i finally left my job. i finally get to see the flaws. i finally get to see a man taking a leap of faith in hopes of landing into a better place with better people after bearing with all the struggles.

but truth to be told i don't think november went off with a great start. i'd say it's not nice to feel really horrible when you're supposed to be happy because you feel like you don't deserve any of it. but i just hope that things just look up from here on.

i've had enough of bad days.