book of the december in a heartbeat

december, more or less, in 12 photos. i barely went out with anyone but nevertheless when i do it genuinely puts a smile on my face and i actually feel contented with what i have. a few ended bitter but i want to choose to be thankful.

but if i could do it all over again and carefully draw every move i'd made, i'd do it.
i'd do it all in a hearbeat.

book of the psychedelic

i feel like kafka on the shore by murakami is best paired with broke for free- especially when kafka describes his commute. god, i wish i was kafka. i would totally do oshima.

book of the clueless

all i have been doing in this jobless, school-less state is either rot at home, or dress up and get ready for nothing and just wander around the neighbourhood mall and take long walks. 

and all i see around me are people getting hell at their retail/service jobs and workers, sales assistants, baristas draining every ounce of energy that they have. 

hah i dont know anymore

book of the timid

i know i get nothing from holding on to the past and it's completely pointless and poisonous to hold on to grudges but i just cant seem

to let go

and everything is still completely clear to this day and they all come back and all i can feel is pain and humiliation. i dont even remember doing anything to severely aggravate him to do such a thing, or even if what i did can be punished by humiliating me like that.

or even if being punished for trying to find a confidante in the security of a harmless journal is even right, or that even taught me anything that they had aimed for.

book of the timid

i remember i used to keep countless of diaries and journals throughout my childhood. i think i found solace for the fact that i have something to tell to about my day or what i thought without being judged and of course, for the fact that i grew up around adults and i felt that no one can even stop to listen.

so today i found and old one of mine and my grandma went "you used to be so sly and mean, writing snide comments about what you disliked and who you hated"

"because that was my diary and that was the purpose of a diary"

"well people couldve read it and feelings can get hurt"

"because it was no one's right to read it, and to tell me what to feel, and what not to feel. i believe that you wish i'd rather that, than tell people in the face what i disliked what they did and how i felt"

all the memories of people who had no right in access of a stupid book of feelings just come back to me in pain. there's nothing else to describe it. i think back and all i feel is pain.

teachers humiliating me and punishing me and telling me "you cannot write like that in your diary. maybe at the end of each post you should evaluate it all and write a conclusion of what you hope for: like i hope my friend becomes a better person"

all of you are missing the point. all of you have no right.

book of the anticipate

i have to say i was a lot eager for this and not even really that nervous. 

everything went smoothly and it just felt cool being wheeled in to the operation theater and all around me was just really really cool i dont even know lol

but other than that i do remember waking up from a really muddled dream and realizing i had an intubator down my airway and that didnt felt great. 

but all is well. all is good. :-)

book of the drained

nothing feels right today.

when i'm sad i shift things around and organize my things.
but halfway through nothing feels right so my stuff is all over the place.

i thought that maybe i might take a walk to bedok central and get a nice drink and walk back
but nothing feels right. i cant seem to do anything right. so i changed back.

just nothing. i'm mentally drained. and that is all.

book of the i guess im not a social butterfly

prom was okay up until i was pulled up stage with some other few people to participate in some game and then after that being the last one standing up stage. apparently i was told that i won a pair of tickets to universal studios but that's a fucking lie.

prom was going well, up until i was forced to go up stage. i dont know why but violated is the word. because i'm awfully shy or introverted, i dont even know which. i just know that i felt violated that i had to go up there, all against my will. and i just wish that i was traumatized enough to have that memory completely blocked off.

but on a much happier note, had i not have such great company around me, i wouldve just hid under the table until everything was over. thanks guys. other than that i was approached by a few strangers from the school alumni to take some photos because they thought my hair was so ~cool~ and that was something else.

book of the serve

went for 2 job interviews and both times my potential employers looked a little disappointed after i mentioned that i was not certain when i can start working due to my operation coming up.

i dont know why i feel bad for always at least disappointing people at something.

i really need to stop aaaaAAAaaahhHH

book of the transition

yes.

on another note, things are happening a lot faster than i had expected. anyway as soon as i thought i wouldnt get a part time job, i started getting calls for them. but i didnt know this part of my life- waiting and partially on my own as i transition into upper adolescents- almost an adult- would happen so fast.
but i hope all goes well.

in other news, the first time i went out with this hair a small kid holding her mum's hand was pointing at me being so fascinated. and the mom was trying to pretend not to hear her and trying not to look at me.
i hope i dont look that hostile.

book of the trying

- o levels are finally over
- oh my god o levels are finally over
- finally got the fabric for my ~prom dress~
- wow 4 years and that's it. the exam that sets the rest of my life is finally over.

book of the giver

o levels are sort over with a minor paper left and i felt this huge weight off of my chest once i got done with my 3-hour art exam. i will never, ever again stay up all night to fill up as much A3 sized paper as i can with my crappy drawings anymore. 

anyway i just hope all goes fine this month, like my prom dress, prom, surgery, getting a job and things like that. (lol the things 17 year olds hope/wish for) i hope whoever's reading will have a blessed month ahead u_u

book of the word of the day: anxious

i have always made a good job at worrying. it either turns out way better than i had anticipated or just not as worse as i had imagined. today marks the start of the o level exam period and we start off with science practical and it was ok. i'm sure the bell curve for bio would be sort of low. hopefully.

and then after that i had an appointment which pretty much fucked up my anxiety level since they urgently shifted it 20 days forward almost immediately after i had the physical exam done. that also went okay.
i felt lifted the moment the doctor said "of course we'll use general anesthesia" because being numb while conscious at the same time while listening to doctors meddling with their apparatus scares me.

and i guess i was that nervous because i keep drifting in and out of sleep the night before and i could hear voices in my head telling me about how anxious i was. and it was clearly showing as i sat in the waiting room and my mom offered me coffee which i firmly declined and then she proceeded to pat my chest telling me to relax.

all is good.

all is well.

book of the hold on

i want this to end quickly
i dont want to spend the rest of my life regretting

but i cant do it now

and i cant figure it out

book of the finally out

photo by kimberly x.x

ended graduation day with lunch at simpang bedok with my favorite people and we had the most heavenly prata because we're kinda classy like that.

anyway my very last year in changkat has been really fruitful thanks to these people i've found (also the worst because of O's and stupid girl drama wtf 16 year olds) but today was definitely one of the pleasant-est days in my school life. also i laughed crying when my most serious bio teacher made us do the 'changkat cheer' with so much spirit and i had some thoughtful gifts and i really cant believe i received a painting of darth vader from my art teacher.

holy hell i cant believe i'm sort-of officially out of changkat.

book of the dear

dear

i'm undeniably upset ever since i was told that my teacher was certain that my friends and i will most probably come back to school the next year because of what i'm doing/what i haven't been doing.

i understand. i'm completely sure i'm one of the worst student he has ever encountered. but there are several things along the conversation that made me mentally absent from class afterwards. i want to tell him very badly of how i personally think that we're all entitled to our own decisions and opinions. probably what i chose, what my friends chose is something he might get baffled upon hearing and he probably thinks that his decisions are what's best but i have come to the point where i don't really want to hear about anything like that because i believe i know what's only right and suitable for me.

maybe my concepts and his philosophy doesn't align but i want to tell him that he really can't force it to what's decided. i don't intend to come back even it means i have to pass through several social degradations because i know that's the only way out and i have no other options. i understand now how it can be so pervasive, because the educators themselves are sometimes so ignorant to keep an open mind.

i don't like this place. everyone's mindset is so obscured just so everyone else come out the same.



anyway i leave you with something to hear. it's pretty witty and adorable but also thought-provoking at the same time for the meaning behind the metaphor it brings.

yours faithfully,

book of the this is really unnecessary

i dont know why i keep putting myself in these situations and i'm the only one making it hard for myself.

exciting stories:

stayed up all night without a single break or anything to do whatever i can on art prelims and by around 5 a.m i was crying so hard because my work was still shit, and i was shaking so badly i couldnt even cut pieces of paper properly.
i insisted that i not go. mom gave in. but i told myself that i'd stayed up all night so what's another 3 hour exam at school.

book of the edge

sometimes it's amazing to think that there are people that still havent given up on me. i dont know what's wrong with me. i can say that there's too many distractions or i've screwed up my attention span but many might just argue that i just lack discipline and willpower and that i'm not scared enough to be moving forward. 

it's amazing there are people who havent given up on me. and those select few are just really on the brink of letting go. or that they claim they havent but who knows. 

i promise you i'm not this sad so often, just that i confide in this space when i dont feel at my very best. 

book of the unaccomplished

it has been a while
i can say things like

"i'm busy preparing for my exams"
"i've been stressed out"
"been drowning with school work"

but i just can't. i really dont know what im doing, to be honest.
i'll sit but i'll be drifting away in 5 minutes.

i dont think i will ever be ready and the thought of it. the thought of the present makes me scared.
makes me uncertain
like i really cant see the next chunk of my life

like it's going to end

and i wish i could end it
but i'm not a saint
and i've accomplished nothing thus far
except making more people finally leaving and giving up

book of the hope

monday, july 29th, 5:54 a.m

i remember the year before i keep fretting
and thinking

what if i dont make it

and right now
all i know is that
i am uncertain
everyone else is uncertain and doubtful

and i know i cant make it

i can feel it, i can see it.

book of the sinking

i'm slipping away
like i'm hanging on a rope fingers away
into an abyss of nothingness

and i just want to seep in to oblivion

book of the blood

“Blood is thicker than water”, when used in the context of family over friends, is in fact a wildly incorrect bastardisation.

The true, full quote is “The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb,” and refers to relationships forged by choice holding deeper meaning than those of mere biology.

i've found my place, finally. love you guys. 

book of the i couldnt stop i had to do another one

i couldnt decide wether the girl would be wearing a nerd t-shirt, a sleeveless button down or a crop top so BAM i made one of the most phenomenal top everrrrr. anyway i cant tell you enough how much fun i had doing this.

girls, you will need:

- skater skirt
- either a sleeveless button down, nerd/geek varsity font t-shirt or cropped top
- creepers
- obligatory bad "ombre" job that isnt really supposed to be called an ombre considering the absence of the gradiation effect. i dont know why you even try
- smack red lipstick on your face. no need for lip liner or concealer around the lips just smack it on like you mean it

guys:

- annoying voluminous back comb hair
- short sleeved button down with the sleeves folded
- 3/4 chinos
- boat shoes

and both will need

- an overpriced professional camera you dont really know how to use
- ozzy osbourne-esque shades or wayfarers
- moleskine
- an apple product
- canvas totebag with obligatory design as annoying as: a triangle, a moustache, cosmic/galaxy print, unicorn or whatever not.

and a finishing touch: tell everyone you are really different from everyone else, head to town expecting everyone else to not coincidentally dress like you, and respond to criticism with "you don't understand, i'm being myself"

my god, amirah, you are such a dick, you're so judgemental!!

book of the dickhead (sarcasm intended if you cant detect it)

i'm sure all of you are really cool and original. i'm not saying you can't wear those annoying ass rolled button up short sleeved shirt paired with that annoying hairstyle, you can and i respect you for that (just that i think less of you)

so go out there, dress like a dickhead and convince everyone that we dont understand you and you really are a cool person!! hah.

book of the warmth

only the first week of the new term
and i have gotten
a lot of crap

like getting referral from skipping a remedial on monday which i rarely do
and then getting told that theyre going to inform my guardian about it
and then getting a lot of shit from it like my teacher now have a different impression of me now.
the second i talked to k in class he went silent and stared at us, arms folded. almost the whole class had their stares at us like as if we killed someone.

i
dont
know
what
you
want

and the crap i get the minute i get home is another thing

im
just

t i r e d

book of the one insignificant

so what day is it today? 4th of july, right?
yaaaaay independence day /claps hands/ (along with a few others)
please don't we're singaporeans. is that why you cut your hair? to commemerate this day?
nooo!!
but anyway class, please welcome your new classmate 
yaaaay (and only a few claps for me)

hah

hah

hah (my apologies, there are no other significant instances or events that i can think of)
note: that's how my p.e teacher's sense of humour goes. my fav.

to summarise my week in school. other than that.. i'm doing quite okay. but we all know things will change. or not (that is if i remain consistent, which most likely wont happen)

book of the read

I'm going to ask you to read critically, to look closely at a text and pay attention to the subtle ways the author is trying to communicate the full complexity of human experience, but I'm not asking you to go symbol hunting because reading is supposed to be some treasure map and you would discover symbols, write them down, and then get an A in class. I'm asking you to read critically because by understanding language you will;

1. Have a fuller understanding of lives other than your own, which;
2. Will help you be more empathetic, and thereby; 
3. Help you avoid getting dumped by that young woman in the first place although more importantly;
4. Reading critically and attentively can give you the linguistic tools to share your own story with more precision 

(x)

book of the lethargic

getting on the most comfortable coach 6 hours to k.l at night and arriving at 4 in the morning was something i've never done. 

and getting sharpie pens

and delicious large sized portions for ridiculously cheap prices

was

great

and i'm just 

t i r e d

sigh it's only the first monday of a new term.

book of the only person

prep work experimenting. i was smelling the piece after i was done while looking at a mirror and thought "whoa that'd make a powerful picture for my prep studies"

but what's really sad was i had better shots of these but they all got erased because i forgot to put in the memory card. crappy ass camera.

anyway i have to be really honest with you, i'm completely not used to receiving those kinds of compliments and i don't want it to overwhelm me too much that it gets into my head. but i still cant thank you enough though they can possibly be from one person giving it off redundantly (or even from my mom!!!) and even though they are a really insignificant number if you compare it to the popular girls in my school, i still feel really flattered.

gah i need to stop getting distracted

book of the better days

i just had
one of the most
epic
reaction
about my hair

the guy by the bubble tea local store was speechless and was making weird noises while putting his hands around his head as i approached to buy bubble tea and i was waiting for him to finish spazzing because all i wanted to say was "caramel milk tea please" and before i could answer his question "why" or something his dad said

HOT LA

omg.

but on a rather happier note, i really did not expect the reaction when i posted about my hair on instagram. all of you are really nice and the compliments really make me feel warm inside. and really. i am completely not used to getting these types of compliments in such a short amount of time, it was really overwhelming.


but other than that i had the nicest stylist that did my hair and i made sure connection was the key in getting what i wanted this time. (because most of the time i trust too much in my stylist's instinct and was afraid to speak up. yes those are what leave me with bad haircuts most of the time) he was so nice and said every sentence in the most delicate way it intrigued me. he asked me questions about why i wanted short hair and if i was from around the area and told me i was brave.

everything went a lot better than expected u_u

book of the insecure

i believe you are the only person i can confide in and you wont judge me for it.

i can hear it. even though i tried countless of times re reading and thinking about what Jenn Im said.

it took up almost all of my courage i have ever possessed. doing it was easy but revealing it to everyone had my blood pumping with adreanaline. 

i'm happy but i kept thinking and making up these scenarios of what people would think about it. 

i promise you i'm the same person. 

book of the opposites

it's an growing playlist but in it are the songs i usually listen to whenever i feel like i've reach a point where i can't take the chaos anymore. (my personal favourite is the gold lining by broke for free) it's better when i curl into a ball in bed while listening to it. 

but on the other hand, i listen to this when i feel like i've reached the state to tranquility (corny, hah) and this just makes it better for the fact that i'm calm and content. 

anyway a lot has happened since the past hour. i think it has gone a little bit out of hand because i believe that you've crossed way past the line by telling her to kill herself. there's so much things that you lack even though you clearly claim that you posses these superficial traits which i dont think anyone can care less with your shit attitude this way (good at singing & popular? seriously? what do you think this is, fucking showbiz??) 

telling someone that he/she's ugly, a cunt, a loser and any other socially and physically degrading names tells me so much that you lack and let me tell you this pal, being like this while telling everyone else that you have something that she doesnt have, pfft do you think people can oversee your crappy attitude? what gives?

book of the ghost

went through 2012 and i can honestly say it was a good year (if you dont include all the worrying and fretting)

but i have realised that the reason i was contented throughout the whole year because i was floating around with no strings attached. i was a ghost. i didnt want to matter to anyone and i dont want anyone that significant.

but of course a new normal has settled in since the beginning of the year and of course i'm contented to have found very lovely people i can connect to but it also means i'm in another sphere where a whole lot of other things happen and i needed to be aware of it. back then when an issue comes up it has no significance to me and i brush it off because i was uninvolved, anyway.

ugh is there ever anything con free?

book of the "do it for yourself"

   

  

  

"In high school, I was really insecure. I was jealous of everybody. Everybody had something that I didn't have and I wanted it. It was just really self destructive and I was just very unhappy in high school. I think we all intrinsically have our own personal sense of style within us, and even if it means that you have to start off by mimicking someone's outfit, styled by outfit by outfit, it's not identical, in a sense. It's still being filtered and syphoned through your won perspective. So you're still twistin' it, you know? All of you guys have your own personal sense of style, just inherently in you but it's up to you to kind of lift those mental blocks in your head, like "what are people gonna think about me" or "they're gonna think I'm crazy or trying too hard" or like "I really cant pull this off" because that's all mental. It's all in your head, and once you lift that, you're free and you just feel a lot more happier and confident with yourself. It's gonna come gradually. And in due time, you're eventually gonna stop caring. So just plant that thought in your mind. and do it for yourself, do what makes you happy."


(clothes encounters // quote // gif credit)

book of the suffocating

appears brash but cannot cope with personal criticism 

book of the for some undefined reason i just wanted to tell you this

maybe the whole judgemental, self-centered figure i carry is me abandoning the years of my life i have spent trying to please people.

i dont know.

for all i know i'm doing this for myself. when i put others ahead of me, everything and everyone else tells me it's bad that i put everyone else's happiness before myself. and when i'm in the state i'm in right now everyone else thinks i'm pulling it off as someone too quick to judge, and just plain selfish.

i dont understand this place. i really dont. and just do it for yourself.

book of the wait what

happycatphoto lol ok bye (and you have to admit, my cat's eyes are so gorgeous. and i also did a good cateye.)

ah but anyway on a darker note, theres so many things i want to say but i dont know where to start. maybe i'm not even in the picture but i wish you could just tell me why you are doing this. i shoudnt be the least bit bothered but morally, you should have the least bit of guilt and shame because no one likes to be called names or anything theyre not. i hope you come clean or just at least realize that this whole situation is unnecessary and may be because you initiated it in the first place. i hope you put yourself in her shoes. i hope that those rude inane comments doesnt escalate to a point where the subject doesnt feel like living anymore. if that does happen (god forbid) i never want to hear saying "i shouldnt have done that" so i hope the guilt will eat you alive.

book of the excuse me

pardon the recent sad posts. the things i've been doing since the past week are just procrastinating, finding ways to not procrastinate, mulling over the fact that i'm not doing anything, watching a lot of youtube videos, and going to book sales and getting more books besides the fact that i'm still not done reading the first book of 1q84. 

anyway i hope you have a good holiday ahead. 

book of the

i want to stop all these voices in my head
i want to stop them all around me
i want you to stop telling me that im worthless
i want you to stop telling me that i need to rise behind these words

they do not help me



and it's just a fucking excuse

Amirah youre only one thing.

Youre just selfish.

book of the dejected

i
really
cant
make
myself
feel

so low
dejected
worthless

i dont know what's going on. i don't know where it all started. i don't know why i feel really bad about myself. if you're looking for an honest answer, i can't handle hate really well. even though it's not directly at me.

if that's what you want to hear.

book of the 50/50

either i was 

a) crying too much while watching the movie

b) channelling all my anxiety that's why i was crying too much

c) it's just a really really really sad/touching movie 

book of the sentiments

void is non existent. sympathy is rather uncomfortable. 

book of the underachiever

how everything's going at the moment: bad.

i'm slipping away and i'm afraid if i might just lose it one day. i think about it and get breakdowns from it. my effort isnt showing any progress as an effect and to make things worse my form teacher (who apparently doesnt even teach me) told my mom that once i dont understand something during lessons i whip out my book to read. which is a total lie.

i'm trying. i'm trying really hard.
i'm trying to tell you the truth but there's nothing that can testify it.
i'm trying to tell you i'm working on it one by one, starting with what's going through my head.
i'm trying.
i'm trying really hard.

book of the snap

i hope i wont lose it one day.

book of the motivation

maybe i'll be able to scavenge some motivation or whatever you call it. maybe if it doesnt i hope i'll be able to bring myself to accept the fact that there are consequences and i have to live up to it. 

in other words: the past few days went like:

• i wanted to give school a miss but my mom kept telling me how i've crossed the line by not attending school for a day (for being tired)
• motivation level below 0% and i couldve left school by the second period but i made my way through because a) very anal receptionist on that day b) told myself i should suck it up
• nearly broke down a few times in class whenever i think about the level of motivation i currently have at the moment. 
• my chemistry teacher gave nearly everyone in class a small note that contained her testimonial and encouraging words
• and i didnt get one
• the last thing i need is motivation 

most annoying word in history ever: motivation. 

book of the not good in expressing or something

first concert in months, or probably a year. i can't believe i miss being in a crowd and losing myself like that. anyway thanks to ryan, we get these really great privileges like reserved seats in the first few rows and a meet and greet with him. chester see & andrew garcia was there when we arrived in the room ryan was in and they were really cool and hilarious screaming "I LOVE YOU RYAN" before leaving the room. 

also a bunch of really nice people i met while waiting gave us a polaroid and i cant thank them enough for that. 

i had too much of a great time that i couldnt bring myself to school today (but i intended to the night before) but my alarm went off and i stopped it and my mom was shouting something like "NOT GOING TO SCHOOL" or something like that before we both went back to sleep. 

book of the better days

hi. a typical run-through during my absence:

1. mid year exams are (finally) over. a lot of crap happened, like (what seems to my sister) diploma-level chemistry questions, bank reconciliation question when we were told it was not going to be tested prior to the exam, art and everything else. (but look on the bright side we just slayed 1/4 or the exams of the year)
2. gave school a miss on friday because it was really stupid of the school to make us come back after only a day of rest (plus it was a friday, for obvious reasons, duh)
3. received money in the middle of the month by some divine miracle so i bought a pair of jeans (finally, about time) and a book and now i'm broke again 
4. got free tickets to the youtube fanfest! thank you ryan higa for the code and thank you sister for winning it for us!

i'm sure i'll make a vlog about the fan-fest. and i'll also be sure to thank ryan higa in person if i can because we're also invited to the meet and greet. 

this is great. i feel great. i finally feel like i'm at the top of my world. (while it lasts)

book of the seventeen years and 1 week old

i spent a great 17th birthday with my family pigging out at seoul garden buffet. it was just really great attacking and grilling the endless amount of chicken i was able to get.

anyway, unlike last year, i couldnt stop myself for looking forward to my birthday. i really hate it. i knew that if i do so i'll get far more disappointed.
and also a lot of people wished me a happy birthday. you know i'm not particularly fond of that.

but before you jump into the chance of calling me an ungrateful little brat, my explanation is that i feel like birthday wishes from strangers who knew it was my birthday from another source feel so redundant.
redundant. like how you wish for the sake of wishing. and i have to thank for the sake of thanking.

not that i'm asking for everyone to remember when my birthday is, but i feel like the intimate thought associated with a mutual relationship with one another & remembering a birthday by heart because it's someone you're particularly fond of or find that person important in your life is a lot special. am i making sense?

but nonetheless i really love all of your birthday wishes, and they're all sweet. i'm really blessed and i'm really thankful.

book of the interru-

I believe we can all relate to this but
I was reading a goddamn book
And i was constantly getting interrupted
And have been reading the same paragraph

AND I SWEAR I WAS JUST SO PISSED OFF I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO LOSE MY MIND

DEAR GOD.

book of the exhausted

my life summarized in 24 hours

• literally spent the whole of labour day completing my art assignment
• slept at 4 am by the time i was almost done
• black paint spilled all over my bag and got onto my tie which got onto my uniform
• when that happened i wasnt even halfway through the day 
• had to sit in the sun and wait for my classmates to finish running as i marked their timing 

so i made up an excuse to go home and caught up on my sleep. and it turned out that art remedials was cancelled so the hours i spent up trying to peel my eyes open at night was at vain. but lets not fret, i hope the weekend has better things in store for me. 

book of the reward

i got my birthday present from my mom & sis almost a week early!! nonetheless i'm really contented.
other news, i got ready for sports day, had breakfast with my lovely rejects, and didnt go for sports day. the thought of sitting in the sun and boiling my blood while being sandwhiched between sweaty adolescents in a stadium doesnt sound too pleasing.

and bought a book which i cant help but complain at how expensive it was considering it was a paperback. i wouldnt mind paying 27 bucks for a hard cover but nonetheless!! FINALLY got my hands on the book i've been hunting for months or weeks. not too sure.

book of the fret

great day. 

1. had 2 consecutive free periods.
2. my friends and i dismissed ourselves at 1.25
3. nearly passed my chemistry test (!!!) i should be given credit considering i'm already making a tiny step forward.
4. giving school a miss tomorrow woot woot 
5. (finally) reorganized my work space 

a day left to allowance day &&&& friday so hang in there yeah?

book of the giver

this is the part where i officially
give up

monday isnt working out that well for me
and i'm pissed

and to top it off
i lost all of my printings and a few pieces and sketches and planning for my art prep work

to top that off
i have a deadline tomorrow

i
want
to
give up

book of the sigh

  a)
 "so do you like what you're seeing?"
i nod obediently. the two doctors then look at each other and give that 'let's proceed' nod.

so there you have it. took me a year and a half!!

  b)
 but to sum up a typical day:

1. by the time i was in art class i realised i lost a few of my pieces that i had to painstakingly crane my neck drawing sigh it probably slipped out of my art file on my way to school WHY DIDNT ANY SOUL ALERT MY SOME PAPERS WERE FLYING OUT OF MY GIGANTIC FILE SIGH i couldve cried and whined about it. but i didnt. 
2. by third period i was left all alone because harrshenee left school and najiba and kimberly wasnt at school sigh sigh OMG LOL WHY I DIDNT EVEN KNOW WHAT TO DO DURING RECESS AND ASSEMBLY LOL sigh

book of the fault

going out alone is okay. going out walking around the mall window shopping is okay. going out window shopping around the mall alone is okay.

going out window shopping around the mall alone while youre severely broke isnt really okay.

i spent my sunday afternoon at the mall trying out clothes new look just to confirm my shopping list. i also went to the bookstore before my blistering feet gave up on the terrible pair of vans i decided to wear. rather a bad idea because right now a) i have two blisters each on both of my feet, b) my shopping list for my crappy end of the month allowance is rather filled with books i'd like to read rather than my necessities like jeans and stuff like that.

anyway, gift certificates from times would be awfully convenient as a birthday present. other than that i'm not too sure about turning seventeen.

book of the sometimes i wonder why i even care when no one does lol

i havent written anything in a while and i have no other excuses except to say that my life has been as boring to not write about anything. aside from the usual complains and whining about the crapload of school work, back aches, very messed up and inconsistent predicament i'm in, my life is not at all interesting to write down each day. but anyway i'll leave you to your weekend with one of my favourite short films. have a nice weekend.

book of the mistake

i got my hair done a few days ago and i went back to bangs. i had a lot of reasons for this stupid decision which i obviously now regret, but one factor i had missed out in contemplating on wether to get it done was: the weather.

i swear i thought i was going to die of a heat stroke or something at school earlier.
but aaaaanyway there were a lot of comments about this new 'look' or whatever but haneef's "you look like shit" blunt comment as he walked passed me in the hallway really takes the cake.
not that i'm complaining but as intriguing as it was i was still rather impressed (which doesnt really justify it, i cant find the correct word) that hey, at least he's being really honest.

all i didnt want was people going around in circle saying "wow i told you not to cut bangs" or crap like that, i just wanted an honest opinion. another honest remark was joanna's incoherent and rather loud 'eeeew' as she walked pass me.

god, i love you guys.

book of the gratified

i might have blabbed some of the usual pains in the past post, but a few days after, my holidays seemed much more significant. my days got better.

anyway i went to malaysia for a day, started on a new book in which i imagine the main character being really good looking, walked a dog, walked a hedgehog, bought to town, tried on shoes at town, bought birthday presents, got quite a number of books from my favorite aunt and a whole lot of other good shit.
it's a crying shame that i didnt bring around a camera to tell you how legit fun i had.

probably a tad bit too uninteresting for you but i've had 'first-times' during the past few days which i dont think i'll ever forget i mean i bet you've never heard of anything like 'walking a hedgehog' right am i right. ok.

book of the uncertainty

hello. here's the week worth of complaints which you might already know. 

i dont know what i'm doing to myself. there is no progress in my art prep, and i'm not even finished with my books because i'm not in the mood for it. my room is a giant crapstorm of clutter. my desk cant seem to clear up because i dont know where to start.

and with that i'll leave you with my 5 most favorite radiolab podcasts shorts. 

- What's Up, Doc?

- Mutant Rights

- Death Mask

- Slow

- Dogs Gone Wild

i really hope you give them a listen. because for once i just want to feel the certainty that people would be interested or even understand whenever i talk about podcasts. i hope you have a good week ahead. and i hope you hadnt lost faith in me. yet. 

book of the so uninspired, so sick and tired

i cant tell you how disappointed and upset i was when they declared that i am unincluded.
they probably didnt mean it, or they probably do, but i cant tell you how i felt hurt.

but aaaaaaaanyway lets just segway to how uninspired i am at my art prep work. i dont know what to do with my life anymore.