i constantly find myself being this person that hates being trouble to other people. sure some might find it a considerate trait but sometimes i think it gets in the way of firmly standing for what i want.
i think i barely even change in that aspect since god knows when. some days i hate that about myself. i know i want something but i cant bring myself to say it to another. it always starts with "if it doesn't trouble you,"
it's not like im asking for more than this life can offer when i have adequate, but sometimes i think it can be nice to hear things like "ill pick you up from work" or "ill see you and i dont mind coming" without me trying to beg, prompt or hint.
it pains me how i cant be brutally honest without sounding clingy. it pains me for the fact that i still give so much shit about how much people think about me, even my boyfriend.
it pains me the most how i am this person who despite all of that - i still need someone to make me feel valid.
it's like as if i cant see myself crawling out of the gutter for my own good. it's like as if im so dependent on people for contentment or happiness and it scares me so bad.
i dont remember being like this back then. i was so happy floating around that i had a friend point it out. i want to feel needed as much as i need people.
and yet somehow ive yet to feel that.
when i go, the clock still ticks, the laughter still keeps on going, people still move on - because i am in fact just a speck of dust in this vast universe, although how valid my feelings and problems are, i am still not needed. im just, here.
