i feel like my body has grown weary, i feel like im troubling everyone, i feel exhausted, i feel like as if my mind just gave up.

will this pass? 

book of the unsettled soul

sometimes it hurts my head so much to think that i am in love with, and i am loved by a man who wouldn't even hesitate to do anything just to make me happy. 

damn, it makes me so emotional every time i think about it. im sorry for the times I've been so selfish, even if it's only in my head - when you are a person who's willing to work the hardest just to spoil me. 

sometimes it hurts my head so much to think that i am so blessed, it's almost impossible to grasp, like i have done something right to deserve such a person.

heck, i could feel my tears welling. im sorry for the times when i make you feel like as if i am the person in this relationship that's constantly in chase, or like as if you deserve less than the 100% that i give, when you, in fact give insurmountable in us. 

i am in love with you, Hafiz, I really am. and right now you are all that i need.

book of the dull

and you are the colour in my life 

book of the time capsule

Dear

two years felt like a really long time back then. but you're finally out of school for now. you and i both know that we've been anxious since day one about this time of our life. there is this uncertainty that makes me so afraid. 

two years didnt feel like a really long time when it's spent well. but right now two months feels like a long time because of there is this fear of the unknown. I really hope I'll be able to enroll into the school that i want to get into next year.

reading the previous letter felt nostalgic, different. i felt like i was reading a letter from someone else. it's almost so amazing how such a short amount of time can help you grow. 

but to clear your doubts, most of the things i had hoped for have been achieved, and i hope you are proud. the year almost feels like a blur, but yet so clear because of the things that happened. good or bad, they helped. 

but some days i feel like i was doing a good job at trying my best, but other days i felt like as if I didn't try hard enough, and things can definitely be better in these hands. it's almost too overwhelming that I can't put the things that have happend to words.

i know some i did well, and i have to say im pretty proud of because we both know we worked our asses off for it. it is nice to leave the school and the team with a certain impact because of our actions. i know for one that i was hands, and a backbone for what i see was something larger than i am - and i hope you can look back some day and still feel and immense relief, or maybe even an endearing feeling towards the people that have expressed gratitude for what you've done. it feels unreal to have a few that look up to you, it feels almost impossible to grasp that you have set a bar, or a new standard for the future young individuals.

but also some days, i felt like I don't deserve the rewards. sometimes I don't deserve to call myself the backbone because of the people who helped me through. sometimes i feel selfish. sometimes i feel like my hands are too small, and everyone else is as deserving of the things I've achived because they were also my backbone. sometimes it hurts because I can't help it - albeit the voice that i have, that it is inevitable that i am in a position to be selfish. it sounds ridiculous, i know. 

you almost slipped away as well. you almost lost motivation for eveything and started questioning the direction you're going towards. but sometimes i remind myself why i got there in the first place, and the things that i stand up for. sometimes i beg of the voices in my mind to stop telling myself that my hands are too small. 

I can't tell you right now if i have been consistent. part of me have been, because of those things i want badly, but part of me feels like I've not - when the thoughts of me thinking im not trying hard enough haunts me. 

but i do know one thing, that the choices and things we've done so far are what made us what we are now. there were no regrets, because despite all of the things we've done, stupid or not made us learn and grow. and i am thankful, for all of the people that helped me with it wether good or bad. and the people who stuck through to help me grow. 

yours sincerely, 

(December 2015)

 

-

Dear Amirah,

I hope those 2 years you spent in that school was worth every effort and time. At the very point you were writing this you just got past your lowest point so far in the year and I think things are slowly are looking up, but don't worry, currently I'm working very hard so by the time you're reading this, you're living a better life now, and you are able to bask in the rewards from all the hard work you've put in.

Also at this point of time you (or at least I) have decided I should at least try to write a letter to you (or me from the future) and by the time you are ready to read this I hope you're able to see how far you've come and I really really hope you are content and things are at least better over there.

I think I haven't vaguely set what I expect of myself this year yet, just that I do have it off the top off my head and I guess the least I could do is to just write it down. But anyways, I hope by the time you read this you can probably do at least 5 pull ups without assistance and maybe even get into the POL-ITE team by the end of your second year in school.

I know that the last time you went for trials in this year it didn't go too well and although you we'rent expecting much, I knew you (or at least I did) felt really disappointed by the end of it. I think it showed too much because I had a friend come up to me and bought me out for fresh air because he knew something was bothering me (although I shouldn't be) even though I tried, so hard, to look like nothing was wrong and not making into the team didn't mean much to me.

But aaaaaaaanyway I hope you're still climbing and I hope you still love it as much as I do now. I hope the days you feel as shitty as I have been feeling lately don't come as often when you're training and you feel physically incompetent and mentally drained. I hope by the time you're reading this those days don't come by that often, I really do.

Other than that I hope you're reading this and still feel an immense passion like I do in what you're pursuing and I hope that you're still focused on your goals. I hope you have excel very well and have been consistent in your studies and I hope by now you are able to taste the fruit you and I have worked so hard for.

Currently I'm trying, so hard to keep things consistent and I didn't thought this semester would be this hard, but I'm still trying very hard to keep at it. It's not easy, I swear, to live up to your lecturer's and peers' expectations with your studies, combined with work and climbing and trying to make yourself think this isn't stressful. But who am I to complain? I guess I chose this. But I guess all of this will eventually make you really desensitized and even mentally stronger.

Anyway I hope by the time you're reading this you really are, stronger mentally (and both physically hah) because you've come so far, and we've both worked hard, so hard, for this life and I hope you've made me, but ultimately mom, very proud.

Best wishes,

(September 2014)

book of the element

it feels like a blur, yet so clear - like being submerged in water. a glass door was all it takes but once in they all seem fuzzy. 

it feels very exhilarating, yet calming - just like the sea. i dont know where the current will take me, but it calms me for that moment of stillness.

it feels like as if i have no fear, yet i am still afraid - just like the depths of the oceans. i put faith that my soul can take whatever this has to offer, but yet, i shift my vulnerability to hands that can possibly drown me. 

i have faith, i have gained faith. and i love you. 

book of the ponder

do i need to have a reason to love you, or to do things for you out of selflessness? 

book of the saudade

remember yesterday you were watching anime while you rested your head against my lap? i stroked your hair, remembering how blissful it was and how at ease i feel, to have you here with me. i know i feel at ease despite where we are, as long as i could feel my heart calling you home. i looked at you, and yet my heart ached, so badly just by looking at you and thinking how precious you are, and how at that moment, i felt like as if i am not worthy of a person to be loved by you. it hurt, it hurts so badly, that i could feel my tears welling. i know for one that if i dont ever get to see you again, or can ever experience a moment like this ever again in my entire life - i know for sure i was content, and madly in love with you. i have my bliss. it is now. 

book of tear a p a r t

"i waited, for so long" i trembled 

something from inside of me ached. this was something ive never felt before. 

i saw it in your eyes

expecting an agressive remark, or question.

but instead all i saw was pain. and lost. 

you sounded small, so small, and it was like as if i was taking away something from you, something that you couldnt fight over for.

like death. and i was reaching in from the depths of your heart, pulling out everything that you confined neatly inside of you, to make you feel pain. 

it was not what i intended, but you still pulled me closer, and held me tighter. 

book of the float

i  constantly find myself being this person that hates being trouble to other people. sure some might find it a considerate trait but sometimes i think it gets in the way of firmly standing for what i want. 

i think i barely even change in that aspect since god knows when. some days i hate that about myself. i know i want something but i cant bring myself to say it to another. it always starts with "if it doesn't trouble you,"

it's not like im asking for more than this life can offer when i have adequate, but sometimes i think it can be nice to hear things like "ill pick you up from work" or "ill see you and i dont mind coming" without me trying to beg, prompt or hint.

it pains me how i cant be brutally honest without sounding clingy. it pains me for the fact that i still give so much shit about how much people think about me, even my boyfriend.

it pains me the most how i am this person who despite all of that - i still need someone to make me feel valid. 

it's like as if i cant see myself crawling out of the gutter for my own good. it's like as if im so dependent on people for contentment or happiness and it scares me so bad. 

i dont remember being like this back then. i was so happy floating around that i had a friend point it out. i want to feel needed as much as i need people. 

and yet somehow ive yet to feel that. 

when i go, the clock still ticks, the laughter still keeps on going, people still move on - because i am in fact just a speck of dust in this vast universe, although how valid my feelings and problems are, i am still not needed. im just, here.

book of the pray

i have a lot of hate in me

and yet everyday i pray, and hope

that all of you work yourselves into being a person that treats everyone nicely.

i've always been a believer of doing good things and good things will happen to you
or sometimes in a case where i think that maybe if i dont talk bad about other people, they wont do the same. but ive come to a realization that the world isnt kind.

and it will be okay

book of the chest

hello,

i almost feel like i'm at my breaking point. or maybe not. whenever i think about it my blood boils. i can't believe this, and i never expect such things would come from you. from what i see, i didn't even break your heart, but you did.

this is ridiculous. because i didn't think much of what we had, i even regretted it because all i felt was second best. and to think that you could do all of those things to me and not think of the consequences of those things.

we were done, but i still felt obligated to not go around telling people of what we were, that is, even if we were something. i wasn't the one to kiss and tell. because i know you have good in you, although what you did was not right.

i look back and is was nothing that i felt. i just needed comfort. but i still held back my words, because i'm not one to soil your name. or anyone's.

and yet all i hear is this.

i can't believe all of this. i talked to a lot of people about this. close friends, that is. and they all tell me that i can no longer be nice. "nice" wasn't the right word, but i bear all of this disappointment - all of this taint of name because i keep giving chances. fucking chances.

i always think that the first to forget, apologize or give in is always the better person. but i'm starting to think that i'm just this stupid and timid.
there is so much hate in me, there is so much regret in me for you. i'm sorry.

best regards,

book of the horizon

dear,

i know, i know i might not be the person right now. the person you want me to be, the person you expected me to be.

i can say that i am still young, but you can say that you are wasting my youth away when i can be so much more.

neither of those i gravitate towards. i just know for now i want to live in every moment i possibly can, because i am afraid one day i will wake up with a mortgage and bills to pay, grey hair and mouths to feed - and not remember any part of my life when i was actually alive.

i'm sorry, i really am. everyday there's this war in my head - i'm trying to be a better person, i'm trying to get myself closer to God, i'm trying to be a better child, i'm trying to be a better partner, i'm trying to be a better friend, i'm trying to be a better student.

i'm still trying to figure this out. some days i wake up and think if this is what i want. some days people ask me of my plans and i answer the ones i have set for myself but i ask myself again - is this what i want?
but some days i think that God has sent me here for a purpose, and my existence is this world is to just give a go at everything and try, and try, and try.

i've made so much mistakes. i fucked up a lot. sometimes i tell myself it's okay because it's only human to make mistakes. sometimes i tell myself none of this is okay because i keep doing the same ones over, and over again.

whatever, let's not talk about this right now. the other day, khai and dhiya took me out for nightfest. it was okay, but one part that made my night memorable was this performance/installation of poets. people order poems and we can enter a dark room where the poets were making the piece for people they've never met on the spot. in that room too were people - actors i might say, that ran the place. and it that place itself - of which we were watching the poets writing piece after piece, with many other people doing suit makes the whole chaos an installation in itself. it was beautiful. i have always liked those kinds of art - of which the audience becomes part of the art.

but it made me think of how everything that was consumed has evaporated into nothing, it's like as if nothing here has value anymore. not in the monetary sense, do you get what i mean? the man in the suit was saying how he will make franchises, factories of the same, and he mentioned of how production was the key of this whole system - and none of the poems actually have value. it's just created because of the demands of consumers.

of course - none of those were real, just an installation telling us a story of the worth of words these days. i hope mine don't evaporate into nothing, i hope.

thanks for reading this. it feels like a small weight got lifted off my shoulders. i don't know who to tell this to but i'm glad i shared this with you.

with best intentions,

book of the drown

"You know that I can't do this on my own"

You mouthed those words while we listened to the song. And now whenever I hear it my heart feels so heavy.

I can still remember every pixel of that memory looking at you as you mouth those words.

And I keep thinking

It's going to hurt so bad when you leave me.
But I only have now - and only now. And I am in love with you. I really am.

book of the pour

The paper rested on his hands, folded neatly. The header was written in bright ink - just like I always start my letters. This time I had wrecked my brains trying to find the right words to start off.

"You've got whatever it is.
You're perfect"

He started to rub his eyes with the palm of his hands just like he always does when he's tired, this time, just a little different.
I sat still, trying to digest the moment. I have never seen him so raw. This raw.

He held on to it and started walking, silently, while I followed closely behind and occasionally placing my hands across his shoulders, smiling. We sat under the shade not caring about everyone else walking by.

"Will this letter make me cry?"
"I doubt so, it's kind of lame"

It started off with a piece from one of my favourite books.

"I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was hurricane."

This, I felt like as if I was Pudge, and he was Alaska - with the rest of the letter consisting of how I feel like I was hopelessly boring, and he was endlessly fascinating.

He folded it back in place and looked at me differently, for the first time.

I could hear his voice shaking, as he choked out those words.

"I love you, so much"

book of the promise

"ive had nightmares with you in it before. and it would be you leaving me for someone else. i'd wake up feeling lost, before feeling relieved that it was just a dream"

book of the flutter

I have never felt so loved.

and all I have is you and that's enough. But you are willing to work hard so you can taste the fruit of giving and being at ease after it's all over.

and I'll be beside you, still loving you for all that you do.

because you are

accepting

god, I've never felt so loved.

book of the time capsule pt 3

Dear,

Im not entirely sure where to start. This is going to sound really stupid but I think I'm at the point of my life where I feel really lost, but I think this will all be over in a short while. Maybe I'm going through a phase, or maybe not.

I wouldn't say I've been so hard on myself these days, but I wouldn't say things have been hard on me either. It's just that only this recently a good friend of mine pointed out how much I bottle up inside, and I always try to look like I have it all together. See, we both know that it's not easy for me to open up, and I find that the easiest way out is to just keep it in.

We both also know that I live in this concept of which I don't like transferring my burdens to other people, which is precisely the reason I feel like I don't need to open up to anyone, ever.

But sometimes things just snap, and sometimes people just probe enough, or sometimes someone just know how to push me out of it. Trust me, we both know we don't like any of it one bit, and we just end up breaking down. I hate it. I hate it when it happens. It's almost pathetic to see myself so vulnerable because of how we worked so hard to build the walls around us.
And yet, someone just knows how to break it with the words they say.

I think this pain is what I deserve for being so cold to others. For being that person who doesn't want to give a shit about others. Who finds it tiring to listen to people. Who damn well knows that she isn't curious, at all, and doesn't bother. Maybe I really do deserve it, because for the most part, I hate listening and I usually space out when people try to confide in me. I swear, I'm never the person to be called a confidante. 

And I live in this stupid little world that thinks that if I act the same, maybe the universe would give me the equal. That maybe if I don't confide in others, no one will, and I'll be okay. But I'm wrong on that part.
I'm working really hard to not be this person. But I somehow just can't. 

They keep telling me that I should start opening up, be genuinely interested in other people's lives, know how they're doing, what they are, what they want to be. But don't know if I can be that person. Believe me, I tried. It gets really tiring after a while.

Maybe I'm not trying hard enough. Or maybe I don't have it figured out just yet. I really don't know how to be this person. I know you need to be the person that you want to be,  but countless of times I get told the way I am isn't the right way.
Some will just say I shouldn't listen, and there's this voice in my head I shouldn't either. But then again, they keep telling me I need to put my happiness before others or anything else. And all I am is just torn between those two.

I hope when you read this again you've figured it out. Or maybe you don't and you're still the same, but please be the happier person than you used to be.

It's not good, I swear to be stuck in this place.
But read this again once you're out of it. And write back to me.

Best regards, 

book of the expectation

She lit her cigarette, drawing out the first breath
"You look like you were about to break down"
"I know, I was just waiting for him to leave"

She drew another breath, watching as the amber flicker into life.
Her lips start to tremble.

"It's just.." she chocked out her words
"I just can't be this person"

book of the giving in

ive so many sorrys ive yet to say
and yet im still here

im sorry i couldn't be the best
im sorry i didnt even try hard enough
and im sorry i keep repeating the same mistakes

until the echoes of my apologies have evaporated into nothing
until ive turned, from everything i have, from everything in me into someone i barely recognise
and say "it's all my fault"

and they all just turn meaningless

evaporating into nothing

I'm sorry. I really am. But that just means nothing. 

book of the I could be

I never thought that this would be easy.
I never thought it would be this hard, either.

Sometimes I like to think things could've been a lot better if this have never happened. I lost a lot of people through it. I've so many sorrys I have to say. And I just hope

I have not lost myself.

Yet.

I barely know who this person is anymore.

book of the don't read this

April 21st.

Dear,

I remember vividly telling myself that all in need to look forward to is April and things will just go smoothly from there because of the things I could look forward to. Like H's birthday and his internship coming to an end the following month, like the coaches finally coming in, like how I'll be turning 19 a few weeks after, and how it's almost the last lap of internship before all of it will be over and I can finally focus for all this weight will be off my shoulders.

But I feel like finally reaching here isn't making me feel any better. I keep constantly getting injured and I keep feeling shitty during training and comps. I feel like I'm not going anywhere. And also I feel like I barely have any time for myself either, let alone for the people that I love.

Being broke all the fucking time isn't helping either and it's not like I get rewarded or any incentive for working so hard.

I'm sorry you have to listen to all of this, me complaining about all of these insignificant issues when there are people out there who have it worse and a lot harder.

But one I can't stand is just listening to people talking about how they think they have it worse when I mention about something I'm going through which is why I usually prefer to act like it's all okay. I iust hate listening to how they think thay have it so hard and wanting to give up while I'm right here still trying to pull it together and trying to make things right. I wish I could say that I do have it worse, but I just remember that I could be going through much worse, or people do have it harder than I do so I just keep it shut.

I'm really sorry again, that you have to listen to all of these things that I have to say, but I think I've kept at it for so long because I'm too tired to complain.

Hold me through this tough time, and I just hope it'll all over, just as soon as it all began.

Love,

book of the faith

i remember how different people are. and yet they all say the same thing.
"you don't have faith in him"

and it's not that i don't have fatith in him, and it's not that i don't trust him, and it's not that i don't love him enough.

i do, i really do.

it's not that i can't look far and have no clue as to where we could be. it's just that i don't see it ending.

and it's not that i can chime those things with such confidence that it will surely happen, because we'll never know what He has in store for us. and i trust that whatever happens is what He knows is best.

book of the soak

monday, feb 2nd

sat in the shower with a throbbing headache. all i was feeling was just a sense of disappointment. not at anyone or at any of the predicament i was in. just at myself.
i shouldn't sweat at the small things, or divulge and get too deep into anything that shouldn't be bothering me. but i just do.

if any of you can tell me at least how, to digress and not let any of this bother me, please do.

it just felt like a long morning. and i just sat there letting all the water soak me thinking, god, you're such a disappointment. you turned out to be everything you thought you'll never be.

but all is well.

10:15 a.m

the day is going good, so far.

book of the soul

you just make me feel everything

all at once.

and maybe it wasn't just enough, to tell you everything beyond the constellations, or to stay within your warm embrace

but i can tell you it's enough to make me feel complete.

and it's like i missed you much after i went off that night that i still feel like i could reach out to you in my sleep. and in the morning when i woke up i could still feel the bliss flowing through my veins.

you just make me feel everything

all at once.

book of the slumber (fiction)

12:54 a.m

i should be sound asleep.
maybe with a dream or two. but i can't help thinking irrationally. it's almost comical, almost a bit too silly but i still think of it.

i should be sound asleep.
but instead thoughts of my worst fear keeps me awake.

i should be sound asleep.
but i feel, i know, as paranoia embraces me tight beneath the safety of my bedsheets.

I want to sleep this off. And i have no reason to stress over it. but I just can't seem to sleep this off.
trying, to take deep, slow, breaths as i scrawl these words into a notebook.

i should be sound asleep.
but instead i hear those voices.
"there's no point"
"she doesn't deserve this"
"i don't know how one can stand her"

4:32 a.m

i should be sound asleep.
instead i lay, numb, almost drenched in cold sweat. the moment slumber takes over, horrid thoughts find its way to wake me up.

book of to the all

thank you for being here for me, and thank you for letting me grow. i know im not the best and doing any of this but i really want you to know that im always listening, and im always grateful, even if i don't express it enough. but i always am, and always will be and i feel like i can never express enough gratitude to the people who've helped me, even in ways they don't even realise it.

everything you say, will always help me grow.

book of the cheesy ass post

wednesday, january 21st.

things to be thankful for

1. i'm thankful for my teammates, especially jolene, shermaine and joy. lately us girls have been motivating each other and really pushing each other's mental limits. in the moment it feels like hell but when it's all over i think about how i wouldn't have it any other way.

2. i'm thankful to always be able to return to your arms (both figuratively or not) everyday, and i always feel secure, complete, whenever i think about how our fate has intertwined, and how i can always live within the warmth of your heart, and always call it home.

3. i'm thankful that there's constantly good vibes around me. even when at times i don't see it, there will always be someone that would remind me that contentment all lies in my mind, not on based on circumstances that i find myself tangled in.

book of the late

late night thoughts

- people keep saying i have absolutely no chill leading a team

- i've made so much sacrifices for this team and i just hope that i will eventually come to see that it will all be worth it

- but at the same time i have so much fear that i won't be able to taste the fruit i've worked so hard for

- one of the sacrifices include being the person everyone thinks is the total control bossy ass bitch. for once i actually want people to not think that of me.

- but i think that is pointless already. i think i have to live with some sort of curse that i don't actually get liked my entire life.

- i shouldn't really care about what people think about me.

but i just can't.

2:44 am. i might've been thinking too much.

but i do know one thing

- how do i get so lucky to love and be loved by such a person?

2:47 am. no wait i don't know the answer to that.

book of the i dont know

I don't know, it's just that I feel morally obligated to keep my mouth shut, especially if I'm having a really bad day.

I don't know, maybe I really don't know, if the other person listening is also having it the same way, maybe even harder.

I don't know, I feel like sometimes people just ask, just to give you the satisfaction, when in fact, they don't really care.

I don't know, maybe they ask, but they don't really want to listen.

I don't know, I already have a lot to listen to myself, coming from the depths of my head, and I feel like listening to someone else's drains me out, too.

I don't know. It's better that I keep it shut, rather than I erupt into some sort of a time bomb, obliterating whatever I have of me until they've had enough.

I don't know. I really don't.

book of the all

If anything, know that I am willing to give it a try.
If anything, know that I am, still, afraid.

But if anything, know that despite all of this, despite knowing of the repercussions if or when the cracks starts to appear, or even when it shatters,

know that I am still willing
to let live, and to fall, freely, with arms wide open, with the wind against my face.

And I trust, that you'll be able to catch me.

And even if you don't, it will then be a lesson to learn, to never free fall without looking down first.

But I know, I will do it again anyway. All in a heartbeat.
I know, I will still foolishly let go completely, and fall even harder.

book of the new

Dear

I was so sure by the time December came around that I thought 2014 won't be so much of a good year for me. I'm sure you can tell from the amount posts I had written of me trying to desperately hold on and trying to see the light in everything.

I guess I just wasn't around the people that could lift my spirits up during the time I thought I was hitting rock bottom. Maybe I was, but I guess I didn't let myself around them too much because for so long I avoided opening up because I knew if I do, no one could care less, and also I had learnt that it was quite the chore to be listening to other's people's problems besides your own.

So I kept myself in.

In 2014 was also where I learnt and promised myself to only give love only when I've learned to love myself and to love unconditionally. I guess I could say I've stuck to that.

I remember trying to tirelessly find reasons to love someone but I just couldn't make myself do so for the things that this person was doing/has done. I only liked the idea of us. 

When they all asked, the only words I could muster was "I like him, for who he is, but not for what he's doing"

I'm sure you knew that the period of time made me question my self worth, it surely wasn't the easiest and it wasn't a good place to be in. 

But I think I'm saved. Saved from that shitty mental state I was in. All I needed was time. Time to figure myself out. And I waited. Lived for all I care with all of that being at the back of my mind. 

And you were there, all along. And I guess it just took a while. I guess all it took was the right moment. When I was least expecting it. 

I remember on that day when I bet it took all of you to finally ask "so, what are we again?" and all I was was unbelievably speechless, and all I could gather was a "I'll talk to you tonight, alright?" And I swore it almost took everything of me to say those things I said to you that night.

Believe me, it was like as if I had to reach into my guts and clench whatever I had of me to try to think it through. Believe me, I tried, to think of the things that could pull me back from loving unconditionally. 

And I found none. 

I can't explain to you how it feels like to discover such a feeling. It's like as if you've secretly uncover a void that I wasn't aware of, and hid yourself in it until it was time for me to discover it.

It is discovering the ocean, after years of puddle-jumping.

You put things into perspective. And it's like I've discovered a realm I thought I will never uncover. This feeling, I swear, is unconditional. 

Love,