dear,
i know, i know i might not be the person right now. the person you want me to be, the person you expected me to be.
i can say that i am still young, but you can say that you are wasting my youth away when i can be so much more.
neither of those i gravitate towards. i just know for now i want to live in every moment i possibly can, because i am afraid one day i will wake up with a mortgage and bills to pay, grey hair and mouths to feed - and not remember any part of my life when i was actually alive.
i'm sorry, i really am. everyday there's this war in my head - i'm trying to be a better person, i'm trying to get myself closer to God, i'm trying to be a better child, i'm trying to be a better partner, i'm trying to be a better friend, i'm trying to be a better student.
i'm still trying to figure this out. some days i wake up and think if this is what i want. some days people ask me of my plans and i answer the ones i have set for myself but i ask myself again - is this what i want?
but some days i think that God has sent me here for a purpose, and my existence is this world is to just give a go at everything and try, and try, and try.
i've made so much mistakes. i fucked up a lot. sometimes i tell myself it's okay because it's only human to make mistakes. sometimes i tell myself none of this is okay because i keep doing the same ones over, and over again.
whatever, let's not talk about this right now. the other day, khai and dhiya took me out for nightfest. it was okay, but one part that made my night memorable was this performance/installation of poets. people order poems and we can enter a dark room where the poets were making the piece for people they've never met on the spot. in that room too were people - actors i might say, that ran the place. and it that place itself - of which we were watching the poets writing piece after piece, with many other people doing suit makes the whole chaos an installation in itself. it was beautiful. i have always liked those kinds of art - of which the audience becomes part of the art.
but it made me think of how everything that was consumed has evaporated into nothing, it's like as if nothing here has value anymore. not in the monetary sense, do you get what i mean? the man in the suit was saying how he will make franchises, factories of the same, and he mentioned of how production was the key of this whole system - and none of the poems actually have value. it's just created because of the demands of consumers.
of course - none of those were real, just an installation telling us a story of the worth of words these days. i hope mine don't evaporate into nothing, i hope.
thanks for reading this. it feels like a small weight got lifted off my shoulders. i don't know who to tell this to but i'm glad i shared this with you.
with best intentions,
