book of the time capsule

Dear Amirah,

I hope those 2 years you spent in that school was worth every effort and time. At the very point you were writing this you just got past your lowest point so far in the year and I think things are slowly are looking up, but don't worry, currently I'm working very hard so by the time you're reading this, you're living a better life now, and you are able to bask in the rewards from all the hard work you've put in.

Also at this point of time you (or at least I) have decided I should at least try to write a letter to you (or me from the future) and by the time you are ready to read this I hope you're able to see how far you've come and I really really hope you are content and things are at least better over there.

I think I haven't vaguely set what I expect of myself this year yet, just that I do have it off the top off my head and I guess the least I could do is to just write it down. But anyways, I hope by the time you read this you can probably do at least 5 pull ups without assistance and maybe even get into the POL-ITE team by the end of your second year in school.

I know that the last time you went for trials in this year it didn't go too well and although you we'rent expecting much, I knew you (or at least I did) felt really disappointed by the end of it. I think it showed too much because I had a friend come up to me and bought me out for fresh air because he knew something was bothering me (although I shouldn't be) even though I tried, so hard, to look like nothing was wrong and not making into the team didn't mean much to me.

But aaaaaaaanyway I hope you're still climbing and I hope you still love it as much as I do now. I hope the days you feel as shitty as I have been feeling lately don't come as often when you're training and you feel physically incompetent and mentally drained. I hope by the time you're reading this those days don't come by that often, I really do.

Other than that I hope you're reading this and still feel an immense passion like I do in what you're pursuing and I hope that you're still focused on your goals. I hope you have excel very well and have been consistent in your studies and I hope by now you are able to taste the fruit you and I have worked so hard for.

Currently I'm trying, so hard to keep things consistent and I didn't thought this semester would be this hard, but I'm still trying very hard to keep at it. It's not easy, I swear, to live up to your lecturer's and peers' expectations with your studies, combined with work and climbing and trying to make yourself think this isn't stressful. But who am I to complain? I guess I chose this. But I guess all of this will eventually make you really desensitized and even mentally stronger.

Anyway I hope by the time you're reading this you really are, stronger mentally (and both physically hah) because you've come so far, and we've both worked hard, so hard, for this life and I hope you've made me, but ultimately mom, very proud.

Best wishes,

book of the mental state

there are many things i'm happy for
there are many things i could be happy for
there are many things i should be happy for

but nonetheless the ones that im content about is what that matters and maybe im just slowly working my way into making things that i should be happy about well, make me happy.

i apologize, for not writing for 2 months. but the rest of the second part of the year is beginning to take a toll on me, i think. i'm busy for the most part with work and climbing that i get so scared if i'm getting distracted. but i guess this is what i chose and i shouldnt complain.

other than that getting myself out of such a crappy mental state isnt easy and i really am, still trying. but i dont want to feel like - or rather i want others to make me stop feeling like as if this whole thing is so easy.
it isnt.
and i keep questioning myself - do i not want it as bad?
maybe this is really all in my head. maybe im not pushing my mental limits that this is the only thing that i have left of me.